Thor is A Woman and That’s Fucking Fantastic

There is a major shake up happening in Marvel.

Starting in October, Thor, The Might Asgardian Norse god of Thunder would be…Thor, the Mighty Asgardian Norse goddess of Thunder.

The statement released on Marvel.com:

Marvel is excited to announce an all-new era for the God of Thunder in brand new series, THORwritten by Jason Aaron complimented with art from Russell Dauterman.

This October, Marvel Comics evolves once again in one of the most shocking and exciting changes ever to shake one of the “big three” of Captain American, Iron Man and Thor. No longer is the classic Thunder God able to hold the mighty hammer, Mjölnir, and a brand new female hero will emerge worthy of the name THOR.

More on Marvel.com: http://marvel.com/news/comics/2014/7/15/22875/marvel_proudly_presents_thor#ixzz37Z7NQyO0

Speculation is wild about the origins of the new wielder of Mjölnir, and the only hint that the lucky lady is someone who Thor himself saved. She’s built herself off of his mighty blondness and as of October, we’ll find out just who she is and how Thor lost his mojo.

“The inscription on Thor’s hammer reads ‘Whosoever holds this hammer, if HE be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.’ Well it’s time to update that inscription,” says Marvel editor Wil Moss. “The new Thor continues Marvel’s proud tradition of strong female characters like Captain Marvel, Storm, Black Widow and more. And this new Thor isn’t a temporary female substitute – she’s now the one and only Thor, and she is worthy!”

Throg

Beta Ray Bill

The hammer chooses the wielder, just like Hogwarts Sorting Hat decides that your weak ass is a Hufflepuff and worthy to wield the hammer. (I’m kidding, I don’t know if Hufflepuff is weak, I’ve always been sorted into Gryffindor) Everyone can be worthy to carry the hammer, which is the great appeal of the entire mythos behind the Cosmic Marvel universe.

In 1978, issue 10 of Thor, The Watcher speculated what would have happened if Jane Foster found the Hammer.

what if i did enough squats to git this outfit?

So it’s not out of the realm of possibility for the ownership to pass from Thor Odinson to someone else. It has happened before. Especially when you consider that Throg was an actual plot point.

Thor is a name, not a title.

Naturally, the nerd hordes had a temper tantrum regarding the sex change because nerd rage.

Essentially, comic book purists can accept Throg, vaguely recall The Watcher’s one shot story about Jane and Mjölnir but for her to actually happening during a current run is a problem. The statement includes (paraphrase) a nod to the neglected female comic book fan, which makes it seem like a bit of a cash grab but it also acknowledges that female fronted titles are in demand and Marvel suits aren’t stupid. Captain Marvel, AKA Carol Danvers has been having an amazing run under Kelly Sue DeConnick which has spawned into a great Ms. Marvel title. X-Men founding member Ororo Munroe, aka Storm, is getting her first lead title despite having been in comics for longer than the recently decreased Wolverine who’s had multiple runs as a lead character. Marvel has been leading the charge in comic book diversity where DC is struggling to keep up. Both companies have the luxury of celebrating 50 years in the business and Marvel seems to be the first out of the old guard to truly embrace that the world is in fact very different today than it was upon some of their classic titles first printing.

 

Yesterday it was announced that John Constantine in the upcoming NBC paranormal horror series Constantine would not be bisexual as is cannon with the comic book. That’s a whole other argument but the nerd rage was interesting. They were dismayed at having this part of the character be downplayed when it was essential to who he is. The show runners also discussed that he will not be smoking as much as he does in his Hellblazer title.

At the heart of the hero is still the heart of who they are.

What does it mean that Thor is being replaced by a woman?

Nothing.

What it means is that readers will be treated to a richer experience in storytelling because you have to make your character someone to care about. As a woman, you’re invested in a character that isn’t another run of the mill damsel in distress and as a male reader, you’re still reading a comic book with a ass kicking lead with a legacy. When Miles Morales, the famously biracial kid from Queens, became the new Spider-man, the world almost imploded. From the nerd purists to the racists, Miles becoming the new Spider-man was the prime example for why comics need to change, why diversity is important and why everyone should feel welcome and represented in the great big world of comics and fantasy. They are escape routes and lessons in being a better person packed into bright pages. People of color and women should be included in this world that essentially doesn’t know the same politics as this one does.

The truth is, Marvel should be working on creating a new female lead, fresh origins, fresh stories, fresh everything. They may still be a long way off considering the success of their legacy titles but the seeds are being planted now. They’ve started that with the introduction of Kamala Khan as the aforementioned Ms. Marvel but there are established rules with that power because of the years of the hero having been male. She still needs to be a hero with an old credo in a modern world that may not welcome her.  By introducing new faces in old roles however, you demonstrate that anyone can and will be worthy of the title of hero.

The rage comes from the boat of comfort being rocked and people who don’t like change being toss out of the boat. We don’t know who the new Thor is and won’t until the title rolls out in October. We don’t know the conditions to which Thor loses his ability just as we don’t know how long she’ll be Thor. For all we know, Sif is the new Mjölnir wielder and the ‘other woman’ is Loki in disguise. That’s what makes the speculation so exciting. Taking someone and putting them into an extraordinary circumstance, like becoming something more is a universal experience. It’s a journey that everyone will go through as they discover who they are. Why should an extraordinary experience like becoming a superhero, a guardian, a crusader be only limited to men, or white men? Why should we continue to tell the other that they will remain that way because comic books say so? We are at an age of discovery, where someone somewhere at every second will discover who they are, who they are meant to be and what greater allegory is there than the superhero comic book title? Image Comics, Top Cow and Dark Horse are fantastic when it comes to the idea of diversity in storytelling but they aren’t the MAJORS like DC and Marvel are, plus, their titles tend to lean more maturely than Marvel and DC do.

I get that people are upset that this is happening to their beloved character but it doesn’t change who that character is at the core of their principles. The wild thing is that when Loki has swapped genders, it’s so totally Loki that it’s accepted. Some of it is ridiculed because people are five and have problems with things that challenge their personal belief systems and that’s cool but their distaste is tainting a very simple thing. Sure, Loki is evil and evil people do lousy things but there was no real uproar once Loki went back to being a boy. Maybe women aren’t allowed to be evil? Even if they’re the god of mischief.

After Ragnarök, Loki returned in a female body working with Doctor Doom so Thor would unwittingly resurrect his Asgardian enemies[40] and manipulated Balder to make him the new successor to the throne of Asgard.[41] In reality, Loki retained his male form after Ragnarok but hid himself inside Thor’s reborn lover Sif. During this period, Hela and Loki used magic to send Loki to the past to cause the events that led to his younger self being adopted by Odin as a means to eliminate Bor, Thor’s grandfather.

You can deal with spectral cosmic forces, space and time travel but a chick in charge, burn down the world.

Bae material either gender

What will be interesting is if the new Thor sticks around, what threat does she pose when it comes to warrior woman iconography? Gender Swapped Starbuck was the space warrior of our dreams but that didn’t come with controversy. We’re years away from Xena who was years removed from Wonder Woman who grand mothered Buffy the Vampire Slayer.. Could the new Thor be the new power character we’ve been looking for in the comic book universe? Can she become the next mainstream hero to stand with Black Widow, Maria Hill, Storm, Kitty Pryde, Black Cat, Melinda May, She-Hulk and Elektra? Of course she can, the real question is, come October, will you be willing to go on that adventure?

Personally, I’m looking forward to covers that aren’t spandex and ass shots. I mean c’mon. I’m badass, but don’t pay attention to my ass, just watch yours while it’s getting kicked.

With San Diego Comic Con just around the corner, one can only speculate that Marvel has succeeded in dominating the show floor and panels with this announcement as well as the media tour for the upcoming Guardians of The Galaxy, which features the daughter of Thanos and master assassin Gamora. Details will probably start surfacing once the con kicks off and we may get an idea of what’s in store for Thor and the new wielder of Mjölnir, so everyone who is butthurt now will be placated later on. Odds are, the answer will be so decent, that whatever controversy that may arise will be quelled by just how stupid they had been in the first place.What we do know is that Marvel is continuing the trend of understanding that readers, good solid committed, readers will always seek, find and buy the titles that interest them because that’s the business they’ve gotten themselves into.

What we want to see is a character that gives new life to an old name, that makes you discover comic books for the first time or rediscover them all over again.

FOUND OUT WHO IT IS:

DC had better step it’s game up.

Why Being Pretty is A Joke

Today I decided to get a quick eyebrow job figuring my part time werewolf impression was getting kinda stale. The place is run by Thai and Vietnamese immigrants so you can only imagine how many times you think they’re talking about you in their respective languages while while repeating “eyebrow, sit”. I love cultural exchanges and I ask a lot questions, chief among them,  the phrases that will allow me safe passage to places and how much liquor is.  That’s not the point though.

You walk into nail salons and it’s like entering another world, especially if these are non English/Spanish establishments which around my way, there are plenty of. Often times they’re all the same, white or cream interior, small cubicles of nail kits for sale, the wall o polish and the ten free nail design board with acrylic artwork that should be in a museum rather than chipping after three days.

It’s like a lottery when you go because some of the women are really good and then there are the ones still trying to master the fine art of the arch and not leave you with a chola arch. I get it. I’m Hispanic. We all want chola brows.

Anyways.

I draw the one that is the fetishized Asian ideal: Thin, big boobs, timid giggle and bottle dye job. Her twin is busy with a belt sander working on the talons of some woman who regretted waiting so long to do her pedi but it’s beach weather so she’s gotta do it. She tells me, “eyebrow, sit” and like a good goon, I do.  They’ve got a flat screen in there that’s linked to the web and have been streaming Asian top 40 mega mix stream (I swear on everything there was a track featuring Pitbull LAWD he’s truly conquered) she’s humming along and preparing to rip portions of my face off with wax and fabric. The salon is owned by someone much younger than I am and she’s pretty much a business tycoon, she’s employed mostly friends and family from the mother land and allows herself Mondays off. She checks in on them regularly and has been known to randomly pop up in the shop just to make sure the place hasn’t burned to the ground. The clientele is predominately black and hispanic, so it’s basically the urban UN in there. Women all complaining about lives either on their phones or to the nail technician. They do have Hispanic technicians but they often rotate days and today, they weren’t in. I’ve spoken to the Hispanic technicians there and they admit that the language thing makes them feel funny. We’ve had this conversation in Spanish.

They all start chattering on and giggling amongst themselves. Now, as a bilingual American, you do tend to ramble in your native language because sometimes, shit sounds funnier in your own language but in the context of a place where the woman working on your eyebrows is ACTUALLY inches away from your face, you immediately think, shit, they’re making fun of me. I’m just trying to get my eyebrows done and I honestly feel so attacked right now.

So now you’re self conscious with half an eyebrow done and they are all talking and giggling. Here I am, feeling all terrible and self conscious about my appearance (so vulnerable) and you’re giggling about something. In any case, I have the eyebrows done and have gone from a category four holy shit you’ve got a unibrow to a category one people will make proper eye contact with you when you’re in a meeting. I feel temporarily better because I don’t look like a Muppet.

As I’m sitting there, waiting for my mom to finish her mani pedi (she isn’t the one getting the power sander treatment) rubbing my eyebrows in dismay because I’m pretty sure I’ve roasted off the top layer of skin with the wax, it dawns on me: The effort that we go to be appealing is appalling. You wonder if, from their standpoint, they think you’re wasting time. Sure it’s great business to get into and finger nail hygiene is totally important, but the rest of it, the plucking, the waxing, the dyes, what purpose does it serve?

From the matching dye job the twins have, to my waxing hair off my eyebrows to the woman getting her lip and chin done and Lady Belt Sander, we as women spend so much time wanting to look acceptable that we spend more time fixing the things that are superficial. Then we judge each other based on how good we’ve convinced other people we’re good looking. We get self conscious about how we look and the personal value dramatically drops so we’ll go and fix it to see how much better you feel afterwards. It’s natural. Sometimes you get sick of looking at the same thing over and over again. I’m all about keeping a decent appearance and waking up all Beyoncé and flawless and what not but when we place the emphasis on what you look like versus who you are we have to pump breaks.

How I want to wake up

how I actually wake up

 

Pretty is a joke.

Aesthetics are based on what? Media? On personal choice? On what has worked in getting jobs and dates? Does that mean that we only work on the exterior when it’s going to be beneficial? Do guys feel that same pressure? Should I give a shit?

So many people talk about how it’s not what’s outside but what’s inside that counts but they WILL admit that they won’t talk to someone who looks like they quit giving a shit midway through getting dressed that morning. I should know, I’ve worn t-shirts to events and have had no one talk to me vs when I’ve had a button down on and people are demanding to know all about you. We don’t encourage people to be the weirdos they can be because sometimes your weird isn’t the kind of weird other people want to celebrate. This is especially painful to watch in women and girls.

At 12 we’ve already made a girl feel bad about being good at sports, being dirty and playing rough. By 21, she’s already got a complex about how she looks in certain outfits to best reduce the odds of being harassed. By 31, she doesn’t give a shit but misses her 12 year old self because that one was so much stronger back then than she is now. We spend millions of precious moments on looking better thinking we’ll feel better but we really should pay attention to what’s being said. You’re about as good as the last outfit and you look a mess today.

Place yourself as you are next to the ideal and watch how terrible you feel. It’s not until a normal person, someone also struggling with the same problems looks at you that you realize that that’s the reason you sort of give a shit. That one person who thinks that dirty t-shirt is amazing an the sloppy hair look is so you. That’s when you don’t care about the overall look and you care about yourself. Pretty people are always empowered or empowering others but what makes them so confident is that they stopped giving a shit and someone noticed. Or they say they don’t give a shit. People are attracted to the things that make them feel better and they hold onto it to give them the strength to improve and most of the time, those things aren’t hair products, skin regimes or fashion.

No one has it figured out really. There is no formula for successful self acceptance and anyone that tells you they’ve found it is a liar. The reason why you even start thinking about these kinds of things in the first place is because you want to know WHAT IT ALL MEANS. Why in many parts of the metropolitan United States there are strip malls dedicated to beauty, wellness, nail and hair salons, damn near identical store fronts with buzzing neon signs or funny looking awnings. You want to know why we care about HOW WE LOOK TO OTHER PEOPLE. You should always impress yourself before you want to impress others, that’s where the joy comes from. The idea that you can just walk through life being as normal or outlandish as possible is what makes you something to look out for.

When you’re pretty, the world seems to be handed to you, when you’re average, you bring the world to it’s knees. Think about it. Helen of Troy; they launched a war based off of how pretty she was. Know who was fighting over her? Two average dudes. Conventionally attractive people are able to get people to do things for them while average people are doing the things and pretty people are just being pretty. If you’re pretty, or attractive, people are more likely to listen to you while if you’re average, they’ll be impressed you are functioning in this society. Nevermind the fact that you wrote whatever pretty person is saying.

Actually you know what?

You can be pretty and be smart. Let’s stop being assholes about this.

You should however be allowed to be a bit messy and still be seen as a decent human being.

As I’m sitting here inhaling nail polish and acrylic, I see that there’s a whole world of people who will happily conform to the idealized head cannon beauty and you know what, that’s cool. What’s fascinating is that the need to be acceptable is a global truth; these women make a living making other women feel better about themselves and maybe talk shit about what they’re doing to get that cheap high. Western standards aren’t global ideals just yet but they are getting there, so long as salons like the one described exist. The women in the nail salon are just doing the dance to make something happen and the women who are doing the dancing will always do it because there’s something that needs to be done for them to feel that same cheap high. They haven’t discovered that you shouldn’t give a shit what other people think. We need them around because you have to remember that who you are is you and even if people giggle about you as you try to smarten up, you’re still you and that’s your truth.

Beauty fades, that’s why there are so many old time filters on instagram.

I Listened to “Trigga” Because You Didn’t Tell Me It Was Out

While Usher was sitting in a spin chair on The Voice, he left the lane wide open for other sexy men to infiltrate the musical bedrooms of young ladies. In that time we had Jason Derulo try to get us to “Talk Dirty” (curses, that sax hook is stuck in my head now) and never to be outdone Mr. Steal Your Girl, Trey Songz made us want to work out more with “Nana.” While Usher spends time reminding you why he is really that good, Trigga was released this week so he can bask in the juicy that is dirty sex and booze.

You didn’t tell me.

Now I’m going to listen to it.

Italics are lyrics.

Track 1 Cake

There are not enough songs about booty in the world.

Trap trap trap beats.

:30 I’m taken but I want you

: 48 You can’t have cake and eat it too

but aint that what you supposed to do? 

Cake’s on the menu. 

This song is about Cake. NOTHING ELSE. Trey obviously loves pastries.

Track 2 Foreign

We’re going on a sex adventure with Trey.

Colombia, France, Australia…

This is already better than Talk Dirty only because while naming it manages to convince you that other girls from other countries are hot, there is no sax loop to drive you insane and subsequently have your  parents dance. Passports are important.

You know I had to cop that foreign.

Track 3 Na Na

This song was designed to blow out speakers and probably backs.

I think I already did and I’m alone at home.

ayyeee.

Three tracks in and I think the goal is to have already gotten clothes off.

Track 4 Touchin, Lovin feat Nicki Minaj

Reunited with Nicki and the pre-chorus is a nod to R.Kelly/ Biggie’s Fuckin You Tonight.

The dirty old bitch that I am finds that endearing.

This is the ‘we’re in our underwear’ portion of the album.

IT IS ONLY TRACK 4.

2:40 Nicki bringing the fire, call 911. Lyrically, she’s just been impeccable since dropping that lame persona she picked up from Gaga.

Track 5 Disrespectful ft Mila J

Alright, we’re on a storytelling tip right now. Picture both of you cheating and neither of you caring about your significant other because HE’S WEARING YOUR MAN’S SLIPPERS BUT TRIGGA DON’T CARE.

ugh.

This song is terrible with how real it is because there are people who really don’t give two shits about the side piece wearing the main piece’s things.

Also real catchy.

Track 6 Dead Wrong feat Ty Dolla $ign

All of these songs about hoes and clubs being disrespectful. Who hurt you Trey?

But the hoes gonna do what they want

Trey’s done a fantastic job of know where his strengths are and the production so far has really been complimentary to that ‘pre club, pre game’ crowd. Features have been solid so far.

Also, this is the hickey portion of the sexing theoretically happening to this album.

Track 7 All We Do

Welcome to the creep part of the album. Elastic snaps, slow delivery high snap snares. This is basically a slow mo video.

1:20 All we do is fuck drink and sleep.

I’m clearly in the wrong line of work.

Actually shocked that the bestie Drake isn’t on this track, this literally all he talks about.

All we do is let the hook repeat too often tho.

Track 8 Foreign Remix feat Justin Bieber

I want to skip this so badly…

:30 Dominican Puerto Rican yea they do it for me. *justin beieber

I WANT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.

couldn’t do it. Gotta skip and the features were really good right until this happened. JESUS BE ANTI BACTERIAL GEL.

Track 9 Late Night feat Juicy J

Mike Will Made It production.

We’re telling time with more trap music and late night booty calls, which are the only ones anyone is interested in. If you’re calling for brunch sex, please ask elsewhere. Like the girlfriend you’re cheating on with the late night jump off.

At this point you’ve probably chilled a bit and are getting snacks but run back because Juicy J is on.

2:30 SHE RATCHET DIRTY DIANA. 

Juicy J has been incredible with the pop culture references. People have actually had to explain the Jeffery Dahmer line in Dark Horse.

Track 10 SmartPhones

Starts with the buzz from a phone on a flat surface that makes you look for your own phone to make sure it’s not the bae…because you’re out cheating remember?

This is the track that makes you remember that cheating and drinking is bad so you want to say sorry and you find the right words using a Trey Songz song vs a say…Robin Thicke. You also will leave the lyrics to this on a FB status.

1:45 So if she heard it all. I’m all out of love tonight. I could say it was a joke but who am I kidding she ain’t slow.

He’s giving me Usher circa “Confessions” feelings right now.

Now I’m gonna say whatever it takes.

time is not on our side cause she’s waving goodbye goodbye

Smartphones dumb shit

Track 11 Yes, No Maybe

We’ve hit the part of the album where all that Mr Steal Your Girl’ing has gotten you caught in the feels and she’s going out and doing all that Ms. Steal Your Man thing that hoes do.

This is the song that’s about the fact that fidelity is difficult and people let each other be hoes while they hope they can get it out of their system just so they can get married but we all know the old saying, can’t make a ho a housewife but good luck with that

Dragged on too long.

Track 12 Y.A.S

Slow piano over trap snare.

:49 Guess I got used to hearing whatever I wanted to hear

Guess I got used to feeling like you were supposed to give it here

She ain’t got nothing good to say so she ain’t saying nothin.

Lot of dudes not listening to their ladies.

Y.A.S is an acronym for You Aint Shit.

THIS IS GENIUS.

This is the dress down track because she’s found the dude that’s actually not Trey (it’s actually Usher) and he’s much better. The butthurt sincerity is real and the track has taken a hilarious dramatic piano jab and it’s bordering into R.Kelly storytelling theatrics.

Track 13 Change Your Mind

The cute pop track that gets buried at the bottom of these albums because you don’t want to be THAT soft dude but the lady has to know you cuddle and wear matching Snuggies while watching Netflix. It’s 90s pop snap that someone young would’ve done to break into the scene.

Change my mind Trey, g’head

 

Track 14 What’s Best For You

The break up song.

Always buried at the end of the album after all the hoe-ing is done. There’s a sincerity in his delivery that really makes him stand out vocally. Again, another vintage sounding track with well produced layering and approach that kinda makes up for all the drinking we just did.

In case you’re keeping score, this is the part where the making out has stopped and you’re kinda in that cuddle mode.

Track 15 Love Around The World

We’re back to finding all the girls we met in the “Foreign” track because the passport is missing and can’t get back to the bae without it so we have to treat this like the Hangover and retrace our steps with makin love with all the ladies in the cities we’ve been and dig around the couch cushions for that passport.

I’ve made LOoooooove all around the world.

Pitbull better watch his back…Mr. Steal Your Girl might be Mr. Worldwide.

Track 16 I Know (Can’t Get It Back)

Violins and synths…this should be good.

:20 I never had time for you

This is why you went on your international plow festival?!

1:00 I’ve been living my life in these clubs

but but…you made me change my mind!!

These hoes ain’t loyal.

The violin loop is just the most right now.

Track 17 Mr. Steal Your Girl

We’ve reached the sensual part of the album where now we’ve learned that he’s not going to get back with the other girl so here we are about to do some nekkid stuffs because let’s face it, all that’s why  pressed play on this album. KAY?

I’m glad we got to that point.

1:50 Let your man know that Mr. Steal Your Girl is back

I didn’t doubt it.

Overall, Trigga is one of those albums that you know Songz goes into the studio intending to deliver the goods…musically, boning is optional. It’s the album you listen to when you’re feeling a type of way (horny) and it may not hold up for overall listening a year from now simply because the material is almost a retread of his older work. Vocally he’s in his element and production wise he definitely succeeds in challenging the new school or urban r&b hierarchy since the seat seems to be vacated. A few tracks drag but they’re more for the DJs who will definitely use these tracks in the club…

I Listened to “Paula” Because You Didn’t Want To

A lot of things have been said about Robin Thicke lately.

They’re hilarious.

In the same way Macklemore makes people cringe, Robin Thicke seems to not quite fit into the world that they so obviously love. In Thicke’s case, he’s been boxed into a strange category that makes him too old for the Justin Timberlake crowd and too creepy for the neo-soul group. Both have managed to make everyone severely uncomfortable with how comfortable they are with totally repackaging and redistributing African American culture in safe white packaging. Perhaps it’s because “Blurred Lines” was the most overplayed, most over interpreted song of summer 2013, people have basically decided that they’ve given up on Robin and it seems like his estranged wife Paula Patton has done the same thing which brings us to the point of this; Robin Thicke’s latest Paula.

The apology tour started in May of 2014 where, clad in jeans and a t-shirt, the Bizarro Justin Timberlake took to the stage and sang his Remy Martin drunk heart out with the lead single “Get Her Back” Drunken tears in his eyes, he set out to well, get her back. It was a spectacle. Twitter erupted in a frenzy as we all asked the same thing: “What the hell is going on?!” It was almost too easy to make fun of him and because the internet is like that, they did and it was also hilarious. It seemed like he was a one hit wonder who was milking his fifteen minutes with a random sob story about his wife leaving him at the ‘height of his career’. Please don’t forget that he had two other hits from previous albums, so essentially he’s one of those guys who gets a great lead single but struggles to follow up so he’s pretty much like a boyfriend you have in your 20s who promises you some things but as they deliver they forget the other stuff.

It’s been tough being Robin Thicke.

Mostly because of the name but…

Let’s listen to Paula.

Italics are lyrics.

Track 1: You’re My Fantasy

This automatically gives ‘I listened to a Sade song with spanish guitars, lets go with that’ Touch me your my fantasy…He’s talking about reincarnation we were lovers in a previous life.

The hook Please x8 Touch me you’re my fantasy BRUH. WHERE IS YOUR CHILL. There’s way too much thirst on this track already and I kinda feel uncomfortable because he’s spent all this time whispered most of the hook into the mic really close and I can spell the Henny, er Remy Martin on his breath. Now he’s talking about hearing her giggle down the hall. Get a priest.

2:44 this song is already too many lyrics too long.

4:10 Can’t get too much of you I’ll never make it without you We’re connecting the early creep part with begging and audio from what sounds like a dinner party where I’m guessing he’s being weird and staring at Paula, uh, the woman who’s his fantasy while she’s busy doing other things…like avoiding him.

5:20 we’re repeating the hook, pre hook and extended musical break.

Track 2: Get Her Back

The bouncier track so far. He’s got Motown harmony on this and a loose guitar riff but again, he’s leaning too heavy into that mic again and the Remy is really distracting. He’s listing all the things he has to remind herself of, like when you go shopping and keep reminding yourself of the eggs milk and bread you need. I shouldn’t never raised my voice ?! Bruh.

It’s a stripped down list of things that he wants to do. Play you that song you and your girlfriends wanna sing sooooo someone else’s track right?

Track 3: Still Madly Crazy

He’s channeled John Legend for this song, raspy voiced and piano backing. It gives Lost Without You vibes…which oddly enough became a wedding anthem back in 2004. Im sorry you had to suffer my lack of control you’d think by now I would’ve grown. It sounds more like Paula errrr his fantasy put up with a lot of shit. I’m trying to find the pity.

Track 4: Lock The Door

We’ve got creepy choir going…we’re going to sex church apparently.

sha nah nah nah nah

He’s continuing raspy piano delivery and I think the knocking is actually John Legend asking dude to get the fuck off his piano.

I kept trying to tell you you kept pushing me too far

i kept trying to warning you you were slowly breaking my heart

Kept giving you all of me but you kept taking too much

I dunno what this is but this ain’t love.

The lady choir is playing Paula…ehhhhh….fantasy woman so the hook is basically an argument and he keeps knocking for her to let him in because…she’s locked the door.

3:12 Reenforced locked door.

3:30 still dragging on about her and the locked door, no porch lights..sure she even still lives there?

4:00 Open the doggie door throw a dog a juicy bone. 

Track 5 Whatever I Want

Group start of Awwwwwwwww into a bouncy guitar bass line that sounds kinda like what you’d expect at a creepy swinger party.

The Little Shop girls are back.

I can do whatever I want

(finally)

I can do whatever I want

(freedom)

Wait, you wanted back in the house the track before. What’s going on here?

2:20 the chant clap portion of our already still too long song

You usually list the things you are going to do since you can do whatever you want…like…find a producer who’ll craft songs for you a little neater than this stream of consciousness musical arrangement you’ve dedicated to your wife.

Track 6 Living In New York City

Trying too hard to be funky with a 70s soul bassline

:10 he just yelled black daddy.

:15 I said black daddy.

yeap. he did.

Me you NY why not?

Very Prince if Prince decided to be the front man for Morris Day and the Time and give them his weakest material because BLOUSES.

1:30 I said black daddy

This is the song you have in the background when you’re listening to Spotify while waiting for the DJ to show up so you shazaam it and you kinda double take because it wasn’t bad but you’re now embarrassed because of WHO it is.

2:44 I gotta testify. GOOD GAWD. 

Track 7: Love Can Grow Back

Brassy bluesy 4 am smokey Jazz club…alright we’re getting somewhere.

:22 You’re way too young to dance like that in front of man like me baby. 

and it’s awkward.

1:19 Show me our love can grow back with your new nails on my back. 

Robin built a time machine and is lusting mightily for Jessica Rabbit…I’m not mad I’m just saying that this was about Paula..but that’s none of my business…

Track 8 Black Tar Cloud

Probably the beatier meatier track on this already bloated album but the beat reminds of a far better produced Kanye beat.

:40 you tryna hit me with my favorite golf club

:55 You took 20 pills 

this is either the Tiger Woods story or the plot to some crazy Lifetime movie with Valerie Bertinelli.

This track actually manages to sonically be about a few different things at the same time which is what you need if you want album to hold up six minutes after it’s been released.

Track 9 Too Little Too Late

It’s 1997 in Robin’s head.

Way elastic beat that feels like it’s a demo for a boy band. The Ladies are back.

1:15 and I already want this song over.

2:00 listing the things he should’ve done again. feeding and pleasing being the top things.

Track 10 Tippy Toes

Another big bass track.

Dancing on her toes 

Dancing on her tippy tippy toes. 

I’m creeped out.

This is has to be a rejected track from Hairspray.

1:50 She can twerk but she’d rather dip bounce and bust.

2:00 This song is way too long

Track 11 Something Bad

I can smell the Remy…

:00 Theres something bad in me

THIS SONG HAS CORNY SYTHS RIFFS IN IT.

He’s going for the True Blood theme but it sounds like the music you play in a techno futuristic strip club where you pay them to put their clothes back on because the music is so terrible and you feel terrible.

1:40 little birdy flew in the window took a picture and flew out with a dirty tweet 

the buh buh buh baddd stutter…

THIS DIDN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN, THESE GIRLS DESERVE BETTER

Track 12 The Opposite of Me

We’re at a mid-tempo top 40 Lite FM song where we learn what she actually wants and it turns out, surprise, it’s not actually him.

All that she needs is a good man All she needs is another try All that she needs is something that I can’t give her.

All that she wants is the honesty

All that she wants is the opposite of me. 

All that she wants is someone that doesn’t hurt

All that she wants is the action not the words. 

2:00 I just rewarded her with my drunken rants.

Still too long.

This song is just like Blur’s She Fucking Hates Me. Go listen to that instead.

Track 13 Time of Your Life

Bryan Setzer called, he said please don’t try to bring big band swing back.

Michael Buble probably would’ve knocked this song out of the park because it’s Michael Buble and he’s adorable as hell.

1:22 This album is a fucking struggle to listen to.

Track 14 Forever Love

The second single from the album pretty much is trying to snatch the schmalz crown from the King John Legend. Again. raspy voice and piano.

:49 I’ll be there biggin you up. 

This has to be taken from the diary of a 15 year old.

This may be the most vulnerable track on the album. Considering how many confessional lines that were left in different parts of this incoherent album that may not be a good thing.

THANK GOD IT’S THE END.

This should’ve been a concept record where the label said YOU CANNOT BE A CREEP AND NAME IT AFTER YOUR WIFE or an EP where he just let it out there and saw what happened while privately working on fixing the whole thing, like a normal person. Make a mixtape, send it to the not bae and work on fixing yourself. It’s easy to blast him for releasing this album immediately after his latest because it’s not like the streets were clamoring for the follow up but it’s also a little heartbreaking to know that this is the best way to get attention for something that so obviously bothers him. This doesn’t seem like the first time the two of them have had a blow out, the previously mentioned “Lost Without You” was dedicated to her when they broke up the last time. The thing that’s interesting about this album is that it doesn’t seem to have an real producer attached to it to give it shape and mold it into an actual album worth listening to; it feels very much cobbled together from discarded tracks that didn’t make previous albums and iron was hot, so strike it.

I’m currently in the making friends again after being estranged part of my relationship and it is NOT EASY but we both had to walk away and evaluate things. Yes, there is bad poetry and poor choices (hair cuts and dye jobs) but those things are done privately where when you wake up you can say, “Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, I am NOT the right completion for blonde” and have not bae tell you they already knew that…and then you start talking.

There have been far more superior break up albums released this year, two from across the pond by Coldplay (Ghost Stories) and Sam Smith (In The Lonely Hour) that dive deep into the deep sea that is break up misery and probably dozens more that effectively convey that sense of loss this album is trying to capture. Paula seems like he just looked through some of his notebooks for some of the most cliche things to sing about while chugging all of the finest top shelf booze he had access too.

Everyone can do better.