And they’re all glorious reasons.
And they’re all glorious reasons.
gotta respect the fashion police….I guess.
Tonight the Kansas City Chiefs took the field against the New England Patriots in stark all red uniforms and it was a little much for some to handle.
Others were excited to see the return of this particular kit because the last time it was worn (which was also the first time ever) was at the Chiefs’ home opener against the Dallas Cowboys in 2013. The Chiefs won that game, and as we know, when it comes to fandom, it doesn’t take much to establish a superstition.
Then there was this guy, who was honestly just happy to be there.
Technology is amazing isn’t it? We can communicate 24/7 we can selfie ourselves sick and we can Yelp about how awesome this Thai place is from a mobile device. Two weeks ago, Apple unveiled the iPhone 6 and it’s been interesting to watch how it didn’t quite meet the standards iPhone users and tech heads had come to expect from the juggernaut company.
I wanted a new phone. I’ve had an iPhone 4s for a few years and have come to love all the things that it can do, basic as it may seem.
I wanted to feel fresh bold and new, the way a fancy new piece of tech can make you feel.
I decided to upgrade and wound up with a big Samsung Galaxy 5s.
I went back to my iPhone after one day.
What happened? Wasn’t I so totally head over heels with the Samsung? Didn’t I want to take all the elaborate photos and videos and go, ‘I’ve moved on Apple, you lack innovation’ ? Wasn’t I totally upset when U2 appeared on my phone for no reason? Of course I was. I was ready to move on and then I realized, the text messages from the one person who I value the most weren’t coming in and they weren’t seeing anything I was sending. Suddenly, a panic. All the photos and videos and easy to draw dicks on people’s faces (there’s an app for that) in the world couldn’t save me from the fact that I couldn’t communicate with the one person who means the world to me.
My brother was ecstatic.
I’d finally dumped iPhone for Samsung and he had so many things he wanted to show me but in the back of my mind, I kept thinking, Black Widow had done so much for me that it was hard to just start working with Sam. I was cheating. I was cheating on the phone that had been so good and loyal to me despite all the times I’d wanted to throw it out a window, shoot it with an m-4 rifle then detonate a claymore right on top of it. It had been good to me and here I was, wanting something new when we both knew that wasn’t how this was going to work.
I researched, I toyed with it. I watched videos and tried to find reasons why having this flatscreen pressed to my face would make me happy and I realized that what I really use the phone for is communication, sending random photos and of course, talking to another person.
I’d compared notes and tested both phones in store before walking away but I was struck with tremendous sense of guilt and a little bit of sadness, feelings you get when you walk away from a relationship. I’d had Black Widow (my iPhone 4s) for about 3 years and in that time I’d seen so many concerts, Tweeted so many douchebagy things, taken adorable pictures and watched the most random videos on this thing. I’d had arguments that should’ve never happened, text wars that didn’t make any sense and all emoji texts with said person who was really the reason why I was going back to the iPhone.
What does all of this say about me as a person?
I value experiences and memories over making something new happen. New experiences are great as long as they’re with someone or something familiar because you always want to broaden your horizons with the thing that reminds you of how far you’ve come and how much more there is to go. I like knowing that the phone I took a certain picture on is the same one in my hand when I’m taking a new picture. I like to compare their flaws, I like to know that I love them regardless of that and my having every version of a picture or operating system or hell, even a case, is enough to make me glad that I have them in the first place.
I’m loyal. Even if you’re doing something stupid, I’ll be with you to make sure you’ve learned something from this royally stupid mistake and even then, I won’t make fun of you for it, I’ll be glad that you tried something different and stayed true to yourself.
I like them shy I guess, the type that surprise you with how simple things make your day easier. They’re intuitive without needing to be shown.
A lot of Apple slander happened while I was debating phones, it sounded a lot like comparing partners. I defended Apple’s snobby elitism when it came to apps; I’d rather use who you trust than just let anybody into my life. It’s clean and fits without being eye catching. You notice it, do a double take and wonder how’d they get together. Much of what Samsung does is directly influenced by Apple so it’s like why are you doing the extra to get noticed? Samsung’s so big and bold and Apple is humdrum and simple. I’m simple. I’m boring actually, so it makes sense that I like the tried and true personality of an Apple versus the LOOK AT ME IM SO BIG I’M A BEAST bravado of the Samsung series. They’ve got a lot of great things going for them and I’m sure there will come a point where I really just don’t want to be using an Apple product anymore but again, the nostalgia, the comfort and knowledge that this phone was with you when you needed someone to talk to keeps me on the iPhone team.
I hated that the Samsung demanded I use my Gmail account to connect everything. Sure, you need an Apple ID but it asks you if you want to download things whereas with Google Play, all the things you do on your email gets shopped around and the phone just takes whatever it wants. You have to tell it to stop downloading things. I don’t want people to know that I spend way too much time on tumblr looking at gif sets of my OTP’s THAT IS MY TIME AND YOU DON’T GET TO SHARE IT!
I didn’t like that the Samsung told me I was stupid for not getting Swype or that my pictures needed to be enhanced somehow. I’m like, “sweetheart, you have a 16 megapixel camera, far better than any other phone in the market but I still see blotchy images that I have to fix in post. You’re not that good looking that I have to perform miracles on you okay? ”
Back to the relationship thing.
It terrified me walking around with this phone I didn’t know.
We were strangers on a first date, trying to get to know each other, being awkward. I asked what it liked to do and it told me, Ask Google. I asked if it liked taking pictures of cats and it said, ‘Sure yeah whatever we can do that’ I tried watching a movie on it and it was nice, we connected but we were silent, occasionally brushing fingertips in the popcorn and cringing at the contact. I changed the interface to closer resemble the iPhone, labeling my folders in the same quirky manner that I had with iPhone. It felt wrong somehow. I was making this phone more like me instead of it making me work and adapt and understand each other’s quirks.
At the end of the night, the Samsung kinda sat on my bed, big and bright, wanting me to play with it some more while my iPhone sat on an end table, quiet, stoic, understanding. I wound up Tweeting from my iPhone about how much I wasn’t enjoying Samsung, confessing to the main piece that you had one night with the side piece and it was awful. The iPhone was polite, listened and understood; it wasn’t personal, sometimes you just have to see the world to appreciate the beauty of your own front yard. I tossed and turned all night, checking on Sam and Black Widow to see who’d text me (I’d left the wifi on the iPhone on since the phone itself was disconnected) and no one said anything to me.
I work up this morning and called my carrier and cancelled the Samsung. The tech on the other line was surprised, almost shocked that I’d just bought this glorious masterpiece of tech and I was going back to the same old same old. She was understanding (I gave her a five rating for her service) and walked me through the process of one night stand with Sam. I’d have to go back to the store and tell them why Sam and I just weren’t going to work out.
I backed up Black Widow onto the Tardis, my Macbook Pro. My wallpaper the same one from an August concert with the one person I constantly communicate with (and with whom the double entendre of this post is for) my apps back where they belong and everything seemed to right itself. The simplicity of knowing that this relationship is just going to make sense because we make sense settled over me like the blanket I want my boo to cover me when it’s cold out. We read each other’s thoughts and know what the other needs without having to be explicit about it.
I’m back with my iPhone and who knows what the future holds, I just know as long as there is an outlet and I have a charging cable, I’ll trust where we’re going.
Sandy sunny beaches
a shameless shot of the upcoming book to movie Gone Girl
Olivia and Jake banging on the beach.
He’s all hairy and beard and I’m like….ayeeeeee
They’re making a dude deliver their shit like it’s Fresh Direct but for two people avoiding responsibilities the way we fantasize about that.
They’re in Zanzibar.
I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS REAL BUT IT’S REAL AND IT’S REAL.
Scandal is opening with an episode of Lost…its like AU Fanfiction gone wild.
OMG. Harrison was found. He’s dead and there go my dreams of handsome Harrison in suspenders.
They’re back, tan and rested in Washington, Jake promising they’re only here for a few days, in and out…like their sex session on the beach. Get It? SEX JOKE!
Olivia er Julia Baker is wandering the once former Pope offices which is a great stand in for creepy lofts and gardens.
OH FUCKING A IT’S QUINN.
She’s babbling about the red wine Olivia problem and the Fresh Delivery thing.
I WANT THE SHOW WHERE HUCK IS A GEEK SQUAD REP AT BEST BUY.
Grant is on the ill rage while whatsername is running the show. Ginger is running hard on this.
Mellie is in full blown college dropout mode. I LOVE HER.
Mellie is living la vida no fucks given in the worst fuck life pj set from Target.
HOLY FUCK IT’S PORTIA DE ROSI AND SHE’S GOT THE BIGGEST FUCKING LESBIAN HAIRCUT IT’S SO BIG AND FILLED WITH SECRETS.
Ok, So. Quinn in her all black long hair don’t care outfit is kinda doing something for me but fuck her cos she’s being a tit.
Abby has her reading glasses on, snapping away at Olivia because that’s what needs to be getting done.
All fights should be in the middle of Washington in full hearing of people who probably were like, the fuck these women fighting about? I love how Olivia did the epic hair spin.
Quinn, go home.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: COME UP FOR AIR KIDS.
This show is amazing at getting characters to sound like human dictionaries, dropping lines like crazy.
Olivia knows wine the way we know mix tapes or movie lines. Terrible. I need more class.
Joe Morton is a miracle.
Fitz and Poppa Pope took out Momma Pope and you wonder why she’s so messed up…but you know he didn’t.
Cyrus is knew about the Olivia visit and he’s mad he wasn’t included in the ‘hey girl hey’ kiki party. He does’ want her anywhere NEAR the White House.
“Mellie is washing her hair.” I’m done. I’m done because I so much want to see if Mellie has a tumblr.
They’re having a deep discussion about the correct casket for Columbus Short’s career. I mean, Harrison.
Oh yes, mystery knocks and phones. Someone is needing not Olivia Pope’s help and as it turns out, someone’s dead. She sent an intern to do that.
Olivia has a job again, yay!
Here’s where we read all the hilarious Twitter commentary and wonder why none of us are in the same room at the same time.
Cy out here trying to buy people’s loyalty.
HOLY SHIT IT’S NAN FLANAGAN TRUBIES ENJOY!
Olivia ding dong ditched 911.
Huck being a super militant on his Best Buy Geek Squad policy. Olivia throwing the new iPhone 6 around…I am Randy the Smart Guy. She broke Huck, WHO IS GOING TO FIX HUCK?!
We’re in the cemetery with Mellie and Fitz. Mellie is wearing her favorite Uggs and big fluffy robe and I really just want to know what her Tumblr handle is.
Jake isn’t interested in talking about a dead old dude, he wants to talk about the sexing and the what nots.
She just monologued during the sex Jake was wanting. What a boner killing experience. I hope he’s got something he can fap to, blue balls can kill a man.
Jake is still rambling dirty pillow talk about riding and touching and now he’s gonna go check out Pornhub and finish Jake Time.
Ok so Seriously, QUINN I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW.
Cyrus needs someone to distract him, he’s so rumpled and sad and messy.
Oh of COURSE Fitz is asking for Olivia. Mellie is basically a character in Girl Interrupted but we’re just gonna pretend that they’re not going to be doing anything for the rest of the season.
The Senator Vaughn is fucking up her own SVU episode.
Olivia read the Senator and is gonna go update her FB status: BITCHES GOTSTA LEARN.
Quinn just said she’s finna go undercover and bust the creepy ring of creeps happening since she happens to look just like the girls who the dead Senator Sterling happened to be a fan of.
Olivia asked the intern for her phone, called Quinn, saw the intern called Vaughn and just like that, we have 15 minutes to solve the mystery of whether she’s going to stay in DC or not. SHIT.
David and Abby putting their heads together about how she works for the Death Star while he’s being a creepy secret keeper. They both have weird code names: he’s Milhouse she’s Red. He has color coded files for how creepy people are. Guess what color Abby is. Red. CREEP.
Everyone is just reading everyone this episode. How does anyone remember their lines on this show.
Vaughn sold out brown eyed brown haired girls for his creepy sexual problems and Olivia wisely walks away, fresh out of fucks. That’s what you need. She’s at Harrison’s funeral and shockingly, no one else is there. Nope, here’s Quinn, all black errythang with Jake lurking in the back being weird.
OH cool, we get Harrison’s backstory over his coffin which is y’know how I like to talk about people, when they’re dead and can’t say nothing.
Nothing like a funeral to bring the family back together.
Sorry Columbus about your career n all.
Oh good, Poppa Pope sitting there in a creepy car finding all the things out and driving off in the most not obvious car ever.
It looks a lot like you’re going to stay in DC for a little while longer Jolivia. Sorry.
Mellie is planning dramatic suicide jumps from the balcony.
I think she’s having a martini at 10 am. I want one and it’s 10pm.
Fitz why did you even say anything about Olivia being back? What is wrong with you you doofus? You and your messed up wife are just working out well with each other.
I’m really a fan of fuck you and this shit Mellie. She just told Fitz, that when he sees Olivia she’s going to be put on notice. She’s not about his sexy thing either. SHE JUST TOLD HIM SHE DOESNT EVEN WAX OR MAINTAIN THE BASEMENT. IT’S 1976 DOWN THERE. Mellie, let’s just be friends, let’s hate everyone together.
Jake is getting all fed up talking about dead people when he’s been trying to get his dick wet.
David was officially nominated as attorney general and Lizzie, er Portia, and her big hair aren’t happy about it at all.
Oh and Olivia is staying, she’s also going back to the office and getting her team back together because that’s what we’re here for.
Olivia is telling you to own that shit, you the real MVP.
She’s crossed paths with Fitz and of course it’s slowmo and they almost touch pinkies which as we all know, is the universal sign for, I WANNA TOUCH YOU N KISS YOU AND LOVE YOU.
And we’re in for a long season.
This Friday, super bae Denzel Washington returns to screens in The Equalizer, your standard tough guy R rated action movie designed to woo you back to the movies y’know since you never went back after seeing Guardians of The Galaxy. Now, I love me a good action movie, I love comic book movies, I love Denzel Washington so this is a win win for me but something struck me about the trailer, take a look:
A man with a past who just can’t let injustice fly and proceeds to right the wrongs with all the guns and bombs, protecting an innocent girl from a ruthless violent, vaguely Eastern European criminal? It sounds too comic book-y to be real, then again, Denzel Washington has been playing Marvel Comics vigilante Frank Castle aka The Punisher for the past ten years and no one noticed it.
Behold, the truth behind Denzel as The Punisher and why Hollywood can get this archetype right but Marvel, who owns the title, keeps getting wrong.
2004 Man on Fire
Dakota Fanning is literally a child in this movie and Denzel is her body guard. A quiet man with skills that make him a nightmare for people…oh…wait wrong movie.
There is a great line about his character, Creasey, his art is death. He brings pain and disaster to everyone in his way, the way you’d want Frank Castle to knock the living shit out of everyone in his way. In a stand out scene, he basically straps a dude to a car, drenches him in gasoline and plays a very dangerous game of 20 questions.
A lot of the real heinousness happens in cars in Mexico so, that’s something to look out for.
This is one of the first time where Denzel gets all grim death dangerous and it works. It so works.
2010 The Book of Eli
Sure it didn’t of very well, the ending left people feeling a little let down and then there’s the whole iPod still works in the apocalypse thing but at the heart of it is a guy, just trying to live and protect Mila Kunis and deliver a book way past its due date to the library. Here we see Denzel in true dingy duster, western gunslinger badassery and one can truly appreciate the fact that a guy who is actually The Punisher would survive the madness of a desert America with mean Gary Oldman.
2012 Safe House
The ULTIMATE dude with a mission movie finds Denzel needing to get out of dodge quickly.
Tobin Frost is a bad bad man trying to stay ahead of the guys trying to lock him up and being chased by everyone’s favorite smart ass, Ryan Reynolds. This one has a few pretty good action sequences and a nice little twist towards the end, making it a little more like a bad guy gets the win movie than a vigilante saving the day movie HOWEVER, it does land in the Denzel is The Punisher with some of the hardest fight scenes and clever escape tricks this side of an old episode of Burn Notice.
2013 2 Guns
This one may be a cheat since he’s a good guy, posing as a bad guy with the added bonus of Mahk Whalbaghhh BUT, he still plays with the bad guys well enough to make them believe he’s one of them all in the game of saving the day. He plays rough to get the win. While I haven’t seen this movie (I know I know) it still lands in the vigilante have gun will travel and do what’s gotta get done category essential in arguing that Denzel is really Frank Castle is really The Punisher.
So just here’s the real question, given that Hollywood loves a good vigilante revenge movie, why is it that Marvel Studios has yet to produce a decent Punisher movie that hits all the notes of the comic book? The Punisher has basically had one of the longest runs in Hollywood in the form of Denzel Washington action movies. You can say that yeah, Liam Neesan probably has a longer run but he keeps playing the father who’s kid somehow manages to keep getting taken so he doesn’t count. Especially when he’s Qui-Gon Jinn, Ras Al Ghul and the guy who fought wolves with mini bar bottles strapped to his knuckles; let him be that guy. Denzel is the guy you call when someone needs a complete ass kicking who will then strut off to a Motown song you will immediately Shazam upon hearing it.
In the same year Man on Fire was released, Thomas Jane’s 2004 Punisher movie made it’s debut. While not terrible it lacked the bite that the above movies all seem to have, as though the producers were afraid to make a violent movie with a comic book character because of the fear that people have with alienating the presumed under age audience. Despite having an R rating, some of the action sequences lacked the grimness that Man on Fire had, even using the standard cut away bloodspatter in some scenes to imply that violent justice has been served. I’m not blood thirsty or a fan of mega violence but if you’re going to make a movie about a guy who does really insane things because his family was murdered, you can go ahead and show it, we know what we’re getting into with these movies. Punisher WarZone, the movie that pretended that the first movie never happened was even wilder with the theatrics, going so deep into comic book that the R rating was justified because Dominic West’s character Jigsaw’s head explodes like a Gallagher watermelon. Both movies are regarded as failures, despite their cult appeal and the success of other lesser titles in Hollywood both on TV and in films.
Marvel shows no interest in launching another film with Frank which is fine, we’ve been watching him this whole time.
A lot can be said and has been said about Aussie rapper Iggy Azalea and whether you can live with her or live without her does not take away from the fact that she’s at the crosshairs of what seems to be scorned lover’s revenge.
Jefe Wine or Hefe Wine or grown man who still clings to waning rap dreams is a producer/ person who was involved in Iggy’s early development claims to have a tape featuring the starlet in what was believed to be a private moment. The story alters where her camp claims that she was underage while he claims that was not the case but let’s all agree that it’s gross and continue.
Whether she was under age, consenting or caught on camera for someone’s spank bank, she’s absolutely right in saying that anyone who wants to profit from the alleged sex tape currently being shopped around is in fact a sex offender. Taking to Twitter, the rapper reiterated that she doesn’t have a tape and anyone who tries to sell off whatever they’re claiming is her is wrong.
Since the rant, she’s remained silent, letting her legal team handle the controversy while she promotes her latest single featuring Rita Ora, “Black Widow” and while she’s stayed mum, Hefe Wine (really, that’s his name) continues his media tour defending himself and his actions. Thankfully, no screen grabs have appeared so far and hopefully they will never see the light of day but the fact that the demand for celebrity skin has boomed, culminating with The Fappening. A few days before Iggygate, hackers managed to access sensitive photos of several actresses, including Jennifer Lawrence, in various stages of nekkid selfie, posting them onto online creep capitol 4Chan and Reddit for the world to see.
While CNN demanded to know just WHO 4Chan is (it’s just…it’s the part of the internet the internet wish didn’t exist) normal human beings responded correctly: WHO THE HELL WOULD DO THIS AND WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE THESE PICTURES?!
It doesn’t matter who the hell 4Chan is, what matters is that there is a place that openly practices the wild violations and fuels the worst web habits out of people.
Mercifully, a massive investigation was launched to find out just who managed to compromise so many accounts and rightfully prosecute them. No one should make money from theft and the hope is that proper legislation is passed to prevent entities like Vivid Entertainment from profiting from stolen merchandise not to mention the fact that this is effectively a violation of these women’s personal and private photos, whatever they are. We care as a culture because they’re famous, this is what they signed up for but the fact is, the same way that Rate My Ex was the bane of average women’s existence is the same way incidents like The Fappening are for celebrities. We should take caution as a culture to be careful about who we share these moments with and where we send these pictures.
THE CLOUD IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
We don’t understand it. It’s there, but it’s not and it saves all your stuff? What why? Why don’t you just plug in your laptop and download everything, save it in a lock folder and never look at it again. Simple. The Starz Saturday Premiere movie “Sex Tape” made light of the mysteries of The Cloud but I’ve spoken to IT specialists who are completely fucking confused by it. We don’t get it. No one understands how it works and if you say you do, you’re a dirty liar. Just go into your settings, do it right now (leave this tab open) and make sure you disable that thing NOW.
It’s not just women who send out sometimes questionable things, guys have sent out dick pics and the most that’s happened are “do you even lift bruh ?” jokes. Anthony Weiner, Geraldo, Tito Ortiz have all sent the unnecessary dick pic or shirtless fading masculinity photo that ultimately leaked and they died out on the wind just as quickly as they appeared. For men, it’s a showcase of their masculinity and it seemed almost culturally acceptable for these pictures to appear, because I don’t know about you but nothing says romance like a dick pic. Women on he other hand, have to have this alluring quality about their photos and they don’t ever fade away. Sure I can make a saggy pectoral joke about the guys, but the ladies are forever immortalized in that moment for just how hot they are and are reminded that they will never be that hot again. How we communicate our desires to one another has evolved, especially with how dependent we are on technology for these interactions. Sexting, Skype, Snapchat, we’ve developed a digital language of love that seems to getting bolder and bolder as time goes on. Just imagine when we have holograms.
There’s a sense of one upsmanship that occurs when it comes to letting someone know how you desire them, given how this generation is constantly on the go; we’re never in the same room but if we were, here’s what you should be looking forward to.
Women are subject to far more scrutiny when it comes to the level of sexual explicitness in the confines of their adult textual relationships. The question that comes up most often is, ‘why would she send that?’ We condition ourselves as women to censor our sexuality and the ones who own their sexuality are usually dragged out and shamed. She clearly misbehaved and the photos or video being shared are a direct result of that misbehavior, not the people who received them being irresponsible with them. The people who made something private public aren’t embarrassed as publicly as the subject. In the case of The Fappening, those photos were more than likely meant for the person whom they are involved with, not for the prying eyes of the public. They were taken and sent with trust and for hackers to think that we want to see that is where we as a culture are starting to go down the dark roads in terms of our respect for another human being’s privacy.
Yes, we love to look at other people, especially famous people, that’s what they’re there for and we forget that they are people who just got lucky with either their looks or talent or both. Many celebrities have bounced back and recovered from the scandal, made light of it and continued onward and upward and we’ve forgiven them for the indiscretion. The real problem is that we have yet to figure out just how to stop it from happening and how to stop making it news and wanting to see hot celebs being just like us; we have to be scandalized by it and want justice for that person who’s privacy was violated. We have to put ourselves in their designer shoes and imagine what it would be like to have ourselves plastered everywhere or sold without our permission to the highest bidder. If Kim and Kanye weren’t selling their wedding photos for less than 10 million why shouldn’t someone be able to profit from their own bodies? Remember when everyone went to Playboy when they wanted to show their bits? Those days are gone.
In Iggy’s case, that is straight up no bones about it violation. Whether she was a minor or consenting does not take away from the fact that someone wants to take that tape and make money. In the past, this tactic worked wonders for Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, launching their ‘careers’ in the face of public embarrassment but for every ‘success story’ there are millions of women digitally exploited around the world for the sake of entertainment. There are women who’ve had their privacy revoked by partners and people who claim to have their best interests at heart and ultimately stab them in the back by revealing the photos or videos. It’s not just the dissemination of illegally obtained photos and videos, think about the millions of children that could be in that traffic flow. If hackers can get into your phone and snag your naughty bits, what do you think could be happening to the pictures of kids? If it takes something as large scale as The Fappening to spark the government into truly investigating these cases of theft, then so be it. We can be accountable for ourselves and responsible with our technology but like anything, there are people who truly are up to no good and only want to unearth the things that we want buried or that aren’t meant for anyone else.
We complained about how a U2 album landed on our iTunes last week, we should be complaining about how people want to make money from private moments and stop saying it’s her fault.
I’m gonna live under a rock.
I’m not one to partake in a turn up, even though I totally should do that more often but I guess because I don’t party, I don’t age and the portrait I’ve had commissioned stays locked up nice and tight.
Tonight, I’m real-time watching Nicholas Sparks’ Deliverance Creek as it airs for the first time on Lifetime.
Just so we’re aware, Nick Sparks writes the same damn book and takes liberties with the machinations of love so it almost always ends well for someone or in death, or both. I’m also very very sober doing this and I hope you forgive my cynicism.
Ok, we just cut right into the madness, dead body, Civil War madness…Kansas 1863, two years into the Civil War.
I wonder if Vampire Bill will show up BECAUSE I miss True Blood a little bit.
OMG SKEET ULRICH IS IN THIS.
The Rag Tag bunch aren’t good dudes and they’ve got ear necklaces. How Walking Dead of you.
6 Union Regiments worth of gold heading to Deliverance Creek, Missourrahhhh, which means we understand why this lil ol town has it’s own made for cable movie.
The wild thing about old revolver fire is that it took forever for you to reload and your aim was awful, but still they love their guns.
Now is not a good time for me to admit that I find Lauren Ambrose really attractive and the pioneer outfit is doing something funny to me.
Oh it’s doing something funny for her male friend too. Let’s bang on the hay while the children play nearby…the olden times, the better times. Oh she hasn’t gotten a letter in two year, doesn’t know if she’s a widow but Nate (the handsome deputy) just proposed to her, so, we’re in typical romance territory and it’s only 5 minutes in.
It’s great how directors frame the bad guys in all this. Jeb just walked in and they framed it so that he’s staring at her ass while she’s grooming a horse. So she don’t take no shit from nobody. This is why I wasn’t wild about Anne of Green Gables, women didn’t wield pitchforks and spit in dude’s faces while telling them GIT OFF MAH RANCH. Belle give no shit. And of course he’s married to Cordeeeelia who takes his shit. There are two kinds of women in the old West.
MEANWHILE IN ARKANSAS
Slaves escaping from a plantation, Kessie is telling her family they’ve got to bail and there’s a place that will take them.
Guess where they’re going.
What are the odds.
They’re using the local schoolhouse to move people along the Underground Railroad and hat tip to the badass Quakers who organized it.
“What’re you doing out here? Don’t you know there ain’t no school?” Hattie, if you’re the teacher, maybe its for the best the kids stay away from you.
Cordelia is already scheming on Belle’s land, the olde timey thirst so real. Since she run’s the bank, she’s just ordered Ben to post a deliquesce notice on her property. So far, Lifetime has hit infidelity, abuse, absenteeism and a single mother working to make ends meet…they really know how to fire on all cylinders when it comes to their programming choices.
Her son just noticed her calfs were branded by the aforementioned creep Jeb. This is her reaction.
“You missed your or you asking him to dance?”
“I’m getting warmed up.”
I think I’m in love.
This happened while the man JUST got out of the outhouse. Turbo puns.
Meanwhile, back at the plantation, Kessie is dealing with her creep master who’s reminding her of just how kind and generous he is to her. Now he’s reminding her that loyalty is everything and he has zero plans on freeing her. I like her though, she’s a smart detective type personality who just pocketed things she needs to make an escape route of herself.
Skeet Ulrich apparently only hangs out with hookers and grooms himself after Johnny Depp. Like in real life (I’m assuming)
Belle and her rifle is going to be my new band name.
Cyril (the ear collector) and friends have made his way into Casa Belle and now she’s gotta deal with a bunch of freeloaders on TOP of the late payments.
Next week’s movie is the less than cheerful BASED ON TRUE EVENTS The Assault.
AND WE’RE BACK
Jasper is in the group and of course, he’s Bette’s brother and Tobey has been shot and is currently bleeding out on her bed.
Never trust anyone who tells you that other people can’t know they’re there.
Meanwhile Hattie’s discovered she’s got no room to store Kessie’s family but volunteers to hold them anyway. but in Belle’s root cellar and of course Jasper and his boys are Confederate fun buns burning their stolen Union uniforms. Under the cover of night, they wind up sneaking the boys out with Hattie. This is where I get nauseated by American history.
Naturally Tobey and Belle have a history. Harlan died on the road and now here’s handsome Tobey, bleeding on you bed.
Of course the gang is smoking, drinking and debating the best way to rob a Union train full of money on poor Belle’s porch. Naturally she gets involved in the planning the heist stealing from the Crawfords (That’s Jeb and Cordelia) bank cos nothing says vengeance like bank robbery.
Hattie may have just run across the very dangerous Indian John, a white bounty hunter who’s just taken out a family on Hattie’s route. He’s a big barrel of sunshine.
Oh man, Big Driver looks good. I think Maria Bello wasn’t allowed to thrive because she looks like she gargles with whiskey. A woman after my own heart.
AND WE’RE BACK
Sexy saloon Skeet is having a most interesting conversation with Hattie involving human trafficking and reminding everyone that she’s the only one that’s good, especially since her brother and sister are about to rob a bank. He’s willing to dump out the whiskey to help her traffic them out. THE WHISKEY IS GONE TO SAVE LIVES AND I IMMEDIATELY LIKE CREEPY SKEET.
Meanwhile Kessie is busting open files and forging papers in her master’s office because she’s really the star of this movie and no one can tell me otherwise. She also stole herself some cash.
I have to say, I love the costuming for this movie because I’m a sucker for that kind of thing.
Kessie is off and running into who knows where after putting young Edward to bed.
We’re back at Casa Belle, where she’s caring for Tobey who seems to be doing just fine because his hand is pretty much up Belle’s dress. Ye olde timey healing factor up 10XP points. Well done.
Nate, her fiancee, suspects something suspect is happening and is now lurking around the house, gun drawn and cranky that there’s a pack of dudes in the house. She had to admit that she was taking care of Tobey, not Jasper and Nate’s face was priceless…he was accidentally friend zoned by her taking care of her brother’s goon squad.
He’s stormed off like a diva. This might not end well.
I got M&M’s even though I really want whiskey. All this talk about it and I’m like, that’s not a bad idea…
But that just looks like a long trip to the bathroom.
Might still do it though.
BACK FROM BREAK
Belle is whisking eggs and showing her eldest how to make a mighty southern country breakfast. That whiskey M&ms thing is now a million miles out of my mind because I want biscuits. He’s also met a conscious Tobey.
Meanwhile, Jeb is out, lurking and finds evidence of a party on Belle’s ranch. WHY WASNT HE INVITED?! he thinks.
Tobey immediately steps into young hot dad role and shows Caleb how to rock a pair of spurs. I will not be shocked if one of these kids belongs to someone else.
While in town, Belle discovers a group of Union officers searching for Jasper and Cyril with wildly accurate sketches of them and immediately hauls ass back to the house. The officers follow behind. Among them is Jeb and the sergeant who shot Tobey because IT HAS TO BE THIS EASY FOR THEM IN THE TWO HOURS THEY HAVE TO MAKE THIS MOVIE HAPPEN. They tear through the house, looking in the worst places (yes, large men hide in the tiny cupboard that houses tea cups) Still wearing the spurs, Caleb moves to protect his mom and is instantly shot by a Union officer.
They can’t shoot on the battlefield but in the house, amazing aim with a rifle.
COMMERCIAL BREAK AGAIN
Lifetime shows a lot of fashion commercials.
and weightloss things.
WE ARE BACK
We’re burying Caleb on the grounds and Belle has a new reason to never want to leave that ranch ever again.
Tobey is packing to leave because what else can a man?
THERE IT IS! Caleb was Tobey’s son. How wild that I called it.
Hattie is miserable and Belle is just wandering aimlessly around the house. Nate brought a piano to the house and of course she’s touched by the gesture. So here’s a love story for you: Deputy cop Nate and outlaw Tobey. Who will win?
Hattie is using Belle’s place as a safe house and Kessie is with Ben. Moses, her husband is elsewhere and while trying to explain what happened Belle demands to know why the hell Ben is there in the first place; his parents are the reason Belle’s life is a messy right now. Kessie dazzles Hattie and Belle with her sweet spy skills (forgery, theft) and keeping her moving to her kids will require finesse. Belle is now Kessie’s new ‘master’ and until they can outwit the bounty hunters, she’ll be hidden in plain sight.
Meanwhile, Jasper and Cyril ride back to give Belle the heads up on their bank robbery, murder plan…then immediately highjacks their plan because SHE’S A BOSS ASS BITCH. She’s got murder and revenge on the mind bruh.
Belle figures when every deputy is in town, the gold is arriving and she immediately goes to the goateed wonder Nate for the information. She thanks him for the piano and he offers to come by later and move it wherever she likes and it sounds vaguely sexual. She fakes having a dry throat and immediately digs through his logs to see when the gold is coming, kinda like the way Kessie Nancy Drew’d her way into her life.
Speaking of, Kessie is outside, waiting for her as Belle scouts all the possible ways to rob a bank, giving her suspect face like, ‘girl, you need a little more info before you go running in there rifle a blazing.’
While in the bank, she watches Ben and his mother Cordelia open the safe.
Cordelia “If she can afford a slave, she can afford to pay her debts. Take the money Benjamin.”
Belle and Kessie share a moment. That moment looks a lot like the look you give a friend when you both agree, this bitch gotta die first.
After going through a Bible quote off with Cordy, Belle storms off with Kessie and goes back to the farm. She finds Kessie taking care of the house while she struggles to keep herself together. Despite the circumstances being total utter bullshit, they both realize that they’re going to need each other so they both get what they want. Keep in mind that Kessie forged her freedom papers.
Here’s where they get into the politics of their situation. Belle still doesn’t think Kessie forged her papers or got into the safe and as a test, arrange to have her make a back up key to prove she’s good at that. Tobey is suspicious and calls Kessie “uppity” I can’t with this movie.
They agree on the method and we’re treated to an old West version of Oceans 11. We gon’ knock over that there bank, use Kessie’s key, some hookers with the old bump n run pick pocketing and we all get what we want. MONEY MONEY MONEY!
Of course Cordy wears the big stupid key around her neck and stores it in a box by an open window. Again, we need easy and this movie is almost done (9:27p EST) Belle, revolver in hand, is in the house, ready to steal the key but still with murder on the mind.
OH BUT WHY A COMMERCIAL NOW?!
So far this movie is actually pretty engaging but it’s giving me a lot of American Outlaws feels
BACK AT THE RANCH
Cyril, clearly the wild card, challenges the mustachioed wonder Jasper, demanding that he stop being a shit.
The Union Captain visits the Crawford’s fancy new safe with Cordy promising their own security.
Of course we see the massive gun show while the Union guys unload their wares and the Gaitling boys camping out across the street in the brothel, watching. Tobey and Jasper are waiting to low key heist while Cyril plans to do the douchebag thing and run in guns blazing.
Meanwhile, Ben and Hattie are trying to set up a meet up for Kessie and her sons. While they argue, you know how couples who don’t know they’re in love argue, and he’s like, girl you the best…imma kiss you n that’s gonna shut you up and we’re gonna do the cute saving another person’s family thing together AFTER this whole bank thing settles down…because Ben’s gotta be at the big bank thing.
Ben gets back to the bank and Cordy is locking him in for the night with the freshly deposited gold. She gave him a candle, food, lantern and a gun. That’s family for you.
Tobey stops Belle before she leaves from the ranch with Kessie and confesses the usual ‘I love you I’m an idiot don’t do this we shouldn’t be robbing banks n shit.’ but she’s like, MURDER DEATH REVENGE.
Downtown Deliverance Creek, the boys get delivered via coffins with dead possum in for the added stank and prep for their spree.
The boys in the saloon start singing Dixieland nice and loud to cover up the sound of the boys below smashing into the adjacent wall. The union boys in the saloon immediately start a sing off with Battle Hymn of the Republic while Tobey, Jasper and Belle encounter the new safe in the bank. Ben, stuck inside with a rifle and hearing noises is ready to shoot as soon as the door opens but he has no idea whats on the other side. Kessie, being the smart one, gives Jasper an empty glass to hear the tumblers as they move and since he can’t hear, they play a game of “you do it” with the empty glass landing on Kessie to open it up. Back at the saloon, the whole bar is screaming Love is A Battlefield at the top of their lungs because that’s what drunk people do.
Kessie hears something tumble lose and immediately becomes the new favorite in the band of merry men. She’s unlocked two out of three locks.
Back at the saloon, Nate comes in to shut everyone up because he’s the deputy and demands his nice quiet town turn down.
Belle opens up the door, Ben recognizes Kessie, puts down his rifle and Tobey instinctively shoots Ben.
It’s terrible how I got into this movie.
OH GOD THE DRAMA COMES TO A CONCLUSION
The guys load up into the safe and start taking everything, making Belle and Kessie wonder why they’re doing this as they tend to him and try to bandage up his wound. Jasper wants his revenge while Kessie struggles to come to terms with the fact that the one man who could’ve helped her was shot.
Tobey and Jasper, dressed as undertakers, drive the carriage out past the Union solders still posted outside of the bank when they’re stopped by the one observant Union officer.
The Sarge who shot Tobey.
Tobey challenges the Sarge with smallpox body stank. He declines and they ride off back to Casa Belle. They hand out stacks of cash, make an arrangement to get paid outside of Bismark (North Dakota for you louses) and they go their separate ways.
Tobey doesn’t want to leave Belle behind because, you know, bad boys love badder girls but she tells him to go…theirs is a love that can only last one season before budgets get to be too high because period series are pricey.He promises to be back in a month (is that when the next part airs?)
While pissin in the woods, Cyril shoots one of the riders, tells him he’s going back to Belle’s to get the rest of the gold and leaves him to die with his pants down.
Back at the ranch, Belle and Kessie busy themselves with hiding the gold in the root cellar.
Someone noticed the bank was broken into?!
Skeet and Hattie discuss Ben’s shooting and she immediately storms off passed Cordy while the Sarge tells Cordy and Jeb to fuck off and not enter their bank. They’ll have to pay back what was stolen because Cordy turned down his offer to have a Union man in the bank.
Nate and his big hat wait for Ben to wake up, hoping for answers.
CSI before CSI, Nate finds Belle’s necklace in the rubble from the smashed wall.
Belle sees Nate coming over the ridge and thinks, finally a roll in the hay…then she realizes the necklace is gone and she knows why Nate is there.
Talk about that awkward moment.
That’s it for me.
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