I’m not one to partake in a turn up, even though I totally should do that more often but I guess because I don’t party, I don’t age and the portrait I’ve had commissioned stays locked up nice and tight.
Tonight, I’m real-time watching Nicholas Sparks’ Deliverance Creek as it airs for the first time on Lifetime.
Just so we’re aware, Nick Sparks writes the same damn book and takes liberties with the machinations of love so it almost always ends well for someone or in death, or both. I’m also very very sober doing this and I hope you forgive my cynicism.
Ok, we just cut right into the madness, dead body, Civil War madness…Kansas 1863, two years into the Civil War.
I wonder if Vampire Bill will show up BECAUSE I miss True Blood a little bit.
OMG SKEET ULRICH IS IN THIS.
The Rag Tag bunch aren’t good dudes and they’ve got ear necklaces. How Walking Dead of you.
6 Union Regiments worth of gold heading to Deliverance Creek, Missourrahhhh, which means we understand why this lil ol town has it’s own made for cable movie.
The wild thing about old revolver fire is that it took forever for you to reload and your aim was awful, but still they love their guns.
Now is not a good time for me to admit that I find Lauren Ambrose really attractive and the pioneer outfit is doing something funny to me.
Oh it’s doing something funny for her male friend too. Let’s bang on the hay while the children play nearby…the olden times, the better times. Oh she hasn’t gotten a letter in two year, doesn’t know if she’s a widow but Nate (the handsome deputy) just proposed to her, so, we’re in typical romance territory and it’s only 5 minutes in.
It’s great how directors frame the bad guys in all this. Jeb just walked in and they framed it so that he’s staring at her ass while she’s grooming a horse. So she don’t take no shit from nobody. This is why I wasn’t wild about Anne of Green Gables, women didn’t wield pitchforks and spit in dude’s faces while telling them GIT OFF MAH RANCH. Belle give no shit. And of course he’s married to Cordeeeelia who takes his shit. There are two kinds of women in the old West.
MEANWHILE IN ARKANSAS
Slaves escaping from a plantation, Kessie is telling her family they’ve got to bail and there’s a place that will take them.
Guess where they’re going.
What are the odds.
They’re using the local schoolhouse to move people along the Underground Railroad and hat tip to the badass Quakers who organized it.
“What’re you doing out here? Don’t you know there ain’t no school?” Hattie, if you’re the teacher, maybe its for the best the kids stay away from you.
Cordelia is already scheming on Belle’s land, the olde timey thirst so real. Since she run’s the bank, she’s just ordered Ben to post a deliquesce notice on her property. So far, Lifetime has hit infidelity, abuse, absenteeism and a single mother working to make ends meet…they really know how to fire on all cylinders when it comes to their programming choices.
Her son just noticed her calfs were branded by the aforementioned creep Jeb. This is her reaction.
“You missed your or you asking him to dance?”
“I’m getting warmed up.”
I think I’m in love.
This happened while the man JUST got out of the outhouse. Turbo puns.
Meanwhile, back at the plantation, Kessie is dealing with her creep master who’s reminding her of just how kind and generous he is to her. Now he’s reminding her that loyalty is everything and he has zero plans on freeing her. I like her though, she’s a smart detective type personality who just pocketed things she needs to make an escape route of herself.
Skeet Ulrich apparently only hangs out with hookers and grooms himself after Johnny Depp. Like in real life (I’m assuming)
Belle and her rifle is going to be my new band name.
Cyril (the ear collector) and friends have made his way into Casa Belle and now she’s gotta deal with a bunch of freeloaders on TOP of the late payments.
Next week’s movie is the less than cheerful BASED ON TRUE EVENTS The Assault.
AND WE’RE BACK
Jasper is in the group and of course, he’s Bette’s brother and Tobey has been shot and is currently bleeding out on her bed.
Never trust anyone who tells you that other people can’t know they’re there.
Meanwhile Hattie’s discovered she’s got no room to store Kessie’s family but volunteers to hold them anyway. but in Belle’s root cellar and of course Jasper and his boys are Confederate fun buns burning their stolen Union uniforms. Under the cover of night, they wind up sneaking the boys out with Hattie. This is where I get nauseated by American history.
Naturally Tobey and Belle have a history. Harlan died on the road and now here’s handsome Tobey, bleeding on you bed.
Of course the gang is smoking, drinking and debating the best way to rob a Union train full of money on poor Belle’s porch. Naturally she gets involved in the planning the heist stealing from the Crawfords (That’s Jeb and Cordelia) bank cos nothing says vengeance like bank robbery.
Hattie may have just run across the very dangerous Indian John, a white bounty hunter who’s just taken out a family on Hattie’s route. He’s a big barrel of sunshine.
Oh man, Big Driver looks good. I think Maria Bello wasn’t allowed to thrive because she looks like she gargles with whiskey. A woman after my own heart.
AND WE’RE BACK
Sexy saloon Skeet is having a most interesting conversation with Hattie involving human trafficking and reminding everyone that she’s the only one that’s good, especially since her brother and sister are about to rob a bank. He’s willing to dump out the whiskey to help her traffic them out. THE WHISKEY IS GONE TO SAVE LIVES AND I IMMEDIATELY LIKE CREEPY SKEET.
Meanwhile Kessie is busting open files and forging papers in her master’s office because she’s really the star of this movie and no one can tell me otherwise. She also stole herself some cash.
I have to say, I love the costuming for this movie because I’m a sucker for that kind of thing.
Kessie is off and running into who knows where after putting young Edward to bed.
We’re back at Casa Belle, where she’s caring for Tobey who seems to be doing just fine because his hand is pretty much up Belle’s dress. Ye olde timey healing factor up 10XP points. Well done.
Nate, her fiancee, suspects something suspect is happening and is now lurking around the house, gun drawn and cranky that there’s a pack of dudes in the house. She had to admit that she was taking care of Tobey, not Jasper and Nate’s face was priceless…he was accidentally friend zoned by her taking care of her brother’s goon squad.
He’s stormed off like a diva. This might not end well.
I got M&M’s even though I really want whiskey. All this talk about it and I’m like, that’s not a bad idea…
But that just looks like a long trip to the bathroom.
Might still do it though.
BACK FROM BREAK
Belle is whisking eggs and showing her eldest how to make a mighty southern country breakfast. That whiskey M&ms thing is now a million miles out of my mind because I want biscuits. He’s also met a conscious Tobey.
Meanwhile, Jeb is out, lurking and finds evidence of a party on Belle’s ranch. WHY WASNT HE INVITED?! he thinks.
Tobey immediately steps into young hot dad role and shows Caleb how to rock a pair of spurs. I will not be shocked if one of these kids belongs to someone else.
While in town, Belle discovers a group of Union officers searching for Jasper and Cyril with wildly accurate sketches of them and immediately hauls ass back to the house. The officers follow behind. Among them is Jeb and the sergeant who shot Tobey because IT HAS TO BE THIS EASY FOR THEM IN THE TWO HOURS THEY HAVE TO MAKE THIS MOVIE HAPPEN. They tear through the house, looking in the worst places (yes, large men hide in the tiny cupboard that houses tea cups) Still wearing the spurs, Caleb moves to protect his mom and is instantly shot by a Union officer.
They can’t shoot on the battlefield but in the house, amazing aim with a rifle.
COMMERCIAL BREAK AGAIN
Lifetime shows a lot of fashion commercials.
and weightloss things.
WE ARE BACK
We’re burying Caleb on the grounds and Belle has a new reason to never want to leave that ranch ever again.
Tobey is packing to leave because what else can a man?
THERE IT IS! Caleb was Tobey’s son. How wild that I called it.
Hattie is miserable and Belle is just wandering aimlessly around the house. Nate brought a piano to the house and of course she’s touched by the gesture. So here’s a love story for you: Deputy cop Nate and outlaw Tobey. Who will win?
Hattie is using Belle’s place as a safe house and Kessie is with Ben. Moses, her husband is elsewhere and while trying to explain what happened Belle demands to know why the hell Ben is there in the first place; his parents are the reason Belle’s life is a messy right now. Kessie dazzles Hattie and Belle with her sweet spy skills (forgery, theft) and keeping her moving to her kids will require finesse. Belle is now Kessie’s new ‘master’ and until they can outwit the bounty hunters, she’ll be hidden in plain sight.
Meanwhile, Jasper and Cyril ride back to give Belle the heads up on their bank robbery, murder plan…then immediately highjacks their plan because SHE’S A BOSS ASS BITCH. She’s got murder and revenge on the mind bruh.
Belle figures when every deputy is in town, the gold is arriving and she immediately goes to the goateed wonder Nate for the information. She thanks him for the piano and he offers to come by later and move it wherever she likes and it sounds vaguely sexual. She fakes having a dry throat and immediately digs through his logs to see when the gold is coming, kinda like the way Kessie Nancy Drew’d her way into her life.
Speaking of, Kessie is outside, waiting for her as Belle scouts all the possible ways to rob a bank, giving her suspect face like, ‘girl, you need a little more info before you go running in there rifle a blazing.’
While in the bank, she watches Ben and his mother Cordelia open the safe.
Cordelia “If she can afford a slave, she can afford to pay her debts. Take the money Benjamin.”
Belle and Kessie share a moment. That moment looks a lot like the look you give a friend when you both agree, this bitch gotta die first.
After going through a Bible quote off with Cordy, Belle storms off with Kessie and goes back to the farm. She finds Kessie taking care of the house while she struggles to keep herself together. Despite the circumstances being total utter bullshit, they both realize that they’re going to need each other so they both get what they want. Keep in mind that Kessie forged her freedom papers.
Here’s where they get into the politics of their situation. Belle still doesn’t think Kessie forged her papers or got into the safe and as a test, arrange to have her make a back up key to prove she’s good at that. Tobey is suspicious and calls Kessie “uppity” I can’t with this movie.
They agree on the method and we’re treated to an old West version of Oceans 11. We gon’ knock over that there bank, use Kessie’s key, some hookers with the old bump n run pick pocketing and we all get what we want. MONEY MONEY MONEY!
Of course Cordy wears the big stupid key around her neck and stores it in a box by an open window. Again, we need easy and this movie is almost done (9:27p EST) Belle, revolver in hand, is in the house, ready to steal the key but still with murder on the mind.
OH BUT WHY A COMMERCIAL NOW?!
So far this movie is actually pretty engaging but it’s giving me a lot of American Outlaws feels
BACK AT THE RANCH
Cyril, clearly the wild card, challenges the mustachioed wonder Jasper, demanding that he stop being a shit.
The Union Captain visits the Crawford’s fancy new safe with Cordy promising their own security.
Of course we see the massive gun show while the Union guys unload their wares and the Gaitling boys camping out across the street in the brothel, watching. Tobey and Jasper are waiting to low key heist while Cyril plans to do the douchebag thing and run in guns blazing.
Meanwhile, Ben and Hattie are trying to set up a meet up for Kessie and her sons. While they argue, you know how couples who don’t know they’re in love argue, and he’s like, girl you the best…imma kiss you n that’s gonna shut you up and we’re gonna do the cute saving another person’s family thing together AFTER this whole bank thing settles down…because Ben’s gotta be at the big bank thing.
Ben gets back to the bank and Cordy is locking him in for the night with the freshly deposited gold. She gave him a candle, food, lantern and a gun. That’s family for you.
Tobey stops Belle before she leaves from the ranch with Kessie and confesses the usual ‘I love you I’m an idiot don’t do this we shouldn’t be robbing banks n shit.’ but she’s like, MURDER DEATH REVENGE.
Downtown Deliverance Creek, the boys get delivered via coffins with dead possum in for the added stank and prep for their spree.
The boys in the saloon start singing Dixieland nice and loud to cover up the sound of the boys below smashing into the adjacent wall. The union boys in the saloon immediately start a sing off with Battle Hymn of the Republic while Tobey, Jasper and Belle encounter the new safe in the bank. Ben, stuck inside with a rifle and hearing noises is ready to shoot as soon as the door opens but he has no idea whats on the other side. Kessie, being the smart one, gives Jasper an empty glass to hear the tumblers as they move and since he can’t hear, they play a game of “you do it” with the empty glass landing on Kessie to open it up. Back at the saloon, the whole bar is screaming Love is A Battlefield at the top of their lungs because that’s what drunk people do.
Kessie hears something tumble lose and immediately becomes the new favorite in the band of merry men. She’s unlocked two out of three locks.
Back at the saloon, Nate comes in to shut everyone up because he’s the deputy and demands his nice quiet town turn down.
Belle opens up the door, Ben recognizes Kessie, puts down his rifle and Tobey instinctively shoots Ben.
It’s terrible how I got into this movie.
OH GOD THE DRAMA COMES TO A CONCLUSION
The guys load up into the safe and start taking everything, making Belle and Kessie wonder why they’re doing this as they tend to him and try to bandage up his wound. Jasper wants his revenge while Kessie struggles to come to terms with the fact that the one man who could’ve helped her was shot.
Tobey and Jasper, dressed as undertakers, drive the carriage out past the Union solders still posted outside of the bank when they’re stopped by the one observant Union officer.
The Sarge who shot Tobey.
Tobey challenges the Sarge with smallpox body stank. He declines and they ride off back to Casa Belle. They hand out stacks of cash, make an arrangement to get paid outside of Bismark (North Dakota for you louses) and they go their separate ways.
Tobey doesn’t want to leave Belle behind because, you know, bad boys love badder girls but she tells him to go…theirs is a love that can only last one season before budgets get to be too high because period series are pricey.He promises to be back in a month (is that when the next part airs?)
While pissin in the woods, Cyril shoots one of the riders, tells him he’s going back to Belle’s to get the rest of the gold and leaves him to die with his pants down.
Back at the ranch, Belle and Kessie busy themselves with hiding the gold in the root cellar.
Someone noticed the bank was broken into?!
Skeet and Hattie discuss Ben’s shooting and she immediately storms off passed Cordy while the Sarge tells Cordy and Jeb to fuck off and not enter their bank. They’ll have to pay back what was stolen because Cordy turned down his offer to have a Union man in the bank.
Nate and his big hat wait for Ben to wake up, hoping for answers.
CSI before CSI, Nate finds Belle’s necklace in the rubble from the smashed wall.
Belle sees Nate coming over the ridge and thinks, finally a roll in the hay…then she realizes the necklace is gone and she knows why Nate is there.
Talk about that awkward moment.
That’s it for me.
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