It’s already 2:30 in the morning on January 1, 2015.
I had days to put this together but chose when I am buzzed and oddly nostalgic to put this together.
in 2015 I will be 31 years old.
That’s odd to type, but that’s what it is.
I learned, back in 2014, that that’s what happens, you get old. you realize that things are happening and you’re aging and you can either get Botox or get with it. I got with it.
I accept it.
I learned that when you take a job with a company, you should do something about making sure you know your rights.
I learned that when you learn your rights, you should commit them to memory because that way, you won’t, no matter what, repeat the same naive thing. Sure, I had that job when I was 28 and didn’t know any better, I still should’ve exorcised some kind of adult type of discipline and looked into what I was walking into. So there’s your first tip: look into things, make sure you understand what’s happening because if you’re like me and you’ve spend your life working for barest minimum doing whatever you can to make sure you’re somewhat comfortable, you’re doing things wrong. You’re not reading fine prints, you’re not checking the labels and that’s where things get weird.
I learned that just because people are nice to you doesn’t mean they’re going to always be that way. Most of them are looking for things and reasons to build their own empires. They will build them on your back. Don’t curve your spine to make someone else’s empire stand tall.
I learned that I am not a cat.
I am a dark slippy thing and I shall slip around in the darkness.
I learned that I am actually a wolf.
A hydra with the golden fleece on my shoulders.
I am a many headed, many limbed thing that breathes fire, born of blood and in the darkness that many fear to tread.
I am that thing that people post Facebook as a status.
That is my life.
I am a creature that breathes fire, drinks blood, lives in the darkness and basks in the promise of the light.
I am a conundrum.
A nightmare dressed like a daydream.
I learned that I like men and women.
I like them strong.
I like them brave.
I like one woman in particular who is still just out of my reach but still manages to consistently take my breath away and I will stand here completely still, immobile until she realizes that this is who I am and we are just what we are made to be; perfectly imperfect, disaster wearing matching t-shirts with fun choices in tattoos and a penchant for leaving hilarious dick jokes on people’s personal property. She knows who she is. She has my heart and she always will. Hell or high water.
I learned that I love a woman more than my very own life and that’s why I’m still here, trying to impress her.
I learned that I like to be surprised. Even if it’s in the stupidest ways.
I learned that I am still working on things that no one understand and that I am just fine with that.
I learned that whiskey makes me strong, vodka makes me laugh, tequila is strange and rum sneaks up on me.
All of them together make me a human muppet.
I learned that despite everything, the failures, the job loss, the confusion and lack of understanding with what it is I can do in this world, I am still a wolf. I was raised to be a wolf and if I was thrown to them, I came back leading a pack because that’s what resourceful people do.
I learned I am not resourceful.
I’m actually thrifty, crafty and a survivor.
I learned that my strange family is much more normal that I’ve given them credit for and someday, I’ll tell you all about it.
I’ve learned that every five year dalliance with suicide was prevented because of curiosity. I’m still here somehow and if you’re struggling with depression, it gets better. It’s manageable. It’s not perfect and every day is a strange new experience but imagine how much stranger it would be if you didn’t have them.
I learned that Taylor Swift isn’t as bad as she seems if you just listen to the lyrics and realize this girl did more with her afternoon than you have done with your entire summer and that’s why you’re mad at her. Take that aggression and make your own album that people will listen to.
Like Lana DelRey but with more personality.
Listen to people.
I learned that people will talk to a wallflower far faster than they will the social supernova.
I’m a wallflower.
I learned that in 2014.
I learned that I don’t want kids because I don’t want to give them a world that is terrible, cruel and cold. I don’t want them to have a mother who isn’t as cool as mine is.
I learned that I like TV. I like writing and I would like to be paid for it.
I write fan fiction.
Don’t look for it.
you won’t find it.
I ship people who despite everything are still people who shouldn’t be together because somehow I wish that’d TV luck would sprinkle on me.
I learned that even though I miss you, I don’t need you and you’re actually terrible and you’re a fuckface and honestly, you should probably get that checked out.
Was that a subtweet?
Do subtweets count in a long winded blog?
I learned that I look like a girl on TV that people fantasize but when I’m in front of them, they pretend they didn’t see me.
I learned that I collect tattoos because they are pieces of armor to keep me from being hurt, even though they rarely work.
I got a passport.
I got my drivers license.
I learned that I can go anywhere and that I want to just disappear.
I learned I’m too old for any program that will allow that to happen.
I learned that loyalty is only as good as the thing you’re working on.
I met some amazing people, we’ve gotten shitfaced, eaten at great diners and laughed at stupid things. We get along and I swear the high school me admires how brave I am for going outside after dark to drink with good people.
I learned that I like greasy breakfast food.
I learned that I’m a good cook and no one listens to me when I tell them how to make rice because they want me to make it to their exact specifications and giggle because I do it.
I learned that my talents aren’t wasted, they’re just being used for all the wrong things.
I learned that someone will want me for those talents.
I learned that I could be a rapper but I don’t want whatever the fuck is happening to Iggy Azalea’s career also I’m terrible at rapping.
I learned that telling someone you love them is the most dangerous thing you can do. Telling them repeatedly is basically asking God to strike you dead. Defying God is basically yelling YOLO to the heavens. I do it regularly.
I realized that I spent too much time in 2013 worrying about everything that I was a mess in 2014 and I’m in 2015 wondering if I can make it better.
I realized that there are far more things in the world wrong that there are with me and that’s okay.
I learned that Kanye West put out the best albums of his career without anyone realizing and I hope that he understands that people like me understand people like him because he was smart enough to use his skills.
I learned that I am no a cat.
I am a wolf.