I Wanna Get Better

So.

full disclosure.

I’ve been struggling with unemployment for the past few months.

At first, it started out as a massive kick to the face. Dear God, here I am, 29 (at the time) earning my way through the complex digital world, meeting people, networking, not truly understanding the power I wield but I’m paying my bills on time and contributing the the toxic sludge that is the internet.

so paid

so paid

After a few days, it turned into a mini vacation. I was still meeting people for chats, consulting on best practices, sleeping in a bit, hanging out with people. It was like seeing the world for the first time in awhile. Obligations were gone for a moment.

but forever

After about a month, it became a debilitating, soul crushing experience. Waking up early to stare off at the job listings screen, wondering why anyone wasn’t returning my calls or emails then forcing myself to eat breakfast then go to the gym to clear my head.

srsly

After two months, my birthday.

I’m now 30 years old.

I can’t celebrate anything really. I have a party of sorts. I get a little drunk but it’s that kind of drunk where you want your feelings to drown so you can float to the surface, embracing clarity and say you’ll never do that again knowing damn well you’re going to do it.

It all feels like a surreal nightmare where I’ve been dropped into a Fincher movie; all muted hyper colors and textures and there’s an alternate version of me walking around, successfully. Okay so I may have described the plot to Fight Club but it’s the same idea really. There is another version of me, improving, living, thriving.

I am Jack’s complete disillusionment

 

I figure, while I’m booking random gigs, for which I am grateful, I would just try to live a little bit. I try going out early in the day, New York in the summer is my favorite type but I find myself getting up early to go to the gym, be upset, get rejection letters, going home, showering and sitting in my bedroom, AC barely on watching Netflix.

You do a lot of soul searching and personal assessing when something like this happens. As it happens, I’ve been coping with a separation, so it was basically a mega shitshow hurricando mega force suckfest. You start picking things apart, putting the pieces into boxes to really get a big picture and see what happened. I didn’t lose my job due to performance, just the economics of the business. Like a survivor on Lost or Gilligan’s Island, I pick through the debris and see what I can salvage. Turns out I’m more a Gilligan than a Professor. Mercifully, the relationship is still sort of salvageable, but that’s a whole other entry. OR several. Stiff upper lip, I work through it.

I go to a lot of bar events.

I don’t tan.

I’ve dyed my hair at least four times already.

By August I book a gig working the U. S. Open (I dye my hair an acceptable color) The job feels like summer camp really.

When I close out this job, I make the note to spend more time in a gym because there is nothing on Serena Williams’ body that jiggles. THE BOOTY REAL.

actually watched this match. it was intense

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I make money, meet people, pass around my business card and discuss business opportunities but the entire time, I find that I’m struggling with just what is that I am offering? What is that I do?

I continue checking my email, sending my resume out, collecting rejection letters, random messages for gigs and the occasional offer to enlarge my penis. As if my problems aren’t enough, my phantom dick is small. fuck my life.

I go to New York Comic Con.

IMG_0372

where I sat in the same room as Edward Norton and Michael Keaton

I work a Thanksgiving Day commercial for one day, setting up office in a home gym in a house with a price tag that makes me weep.

I work a lot of odd jobs.

I work.

What am I doing?!

I’ve become a drone, mindlessly filling out job application after application, hoping to at least land a gig that caters to my skill set. I apply for retail jobs, knowing full well they are the very textbook definition of temporary and I fear repeating the vicious cycle that the last six years have been. (As me about it some time, I’ll tell you all about it. Preferably over drinks.)  I wind up doing more writing and land a few pieces on Vh-1 which fuels me to find my niche and again I’m dumbfounded.

I’ve never done a career assessment. Ever.

In college, I was always in the career office looking at job postings, figuring I can do that, that sounds easy enough. I never sat with anyone to discuss my skills and interests. I never figured out what it was thatI could do and then was completely baffled as to why I had been passed for the position. I still never went to see anyone about it, figuring it was because I hadn’t had a proper resume to begin with. How many times as a college student were you passed on a job because you didn’t have a job before? (I’ve been working since the age of fourteen)

After that, I just dove head first into everything that I could, figuring something would stick in my wheelhouse. I worked in A&R, I worked as a camera operator, post production assistant, I was a copywriter, I was a delivery girl (woman!), I ran social media for various entities. I did it all, I did too much, I wanted to do more. I’d bitched about everything going on, as is the right of all working people in a capitalist society doing what they can to survive.

I have a resume with various skills but none of that experience tallied into a single marketable skill; there is no singular thing that I can define as my ability. (Swearing doesn’t count, sadly) I have a fairly succinct resume, divided between all my media work and then my production work into two fairly respectable entities, never mind the jobs in between all of that. Looking at them side by side, I feel like I’ve been a million different people from one day to the next and none of us can agree on just who we are professionally; we just want to collect the credit, the experience, file it and see where it takes us. (forget the hot mess that I am on a personal level.)

Just what the fuck is it that I do?

Like I said. I’ve never done a career assessment. I’ve had professional friends work with me on molding and shaping who I am, or at least guiding me in the direction to which is best suited to my abilities. We all agreed that I am a Swiss Army Knife. Adaptable to situations, capable, smart, stylish. Pocket sized.

I should pick a better selfie

I tried to do it myself.

What I’ve figured out so far is that I write a lot, (ramble coherently mostly), enjoy comic books, movies, I have pretty gay tendencies, I like animals, movies, off-color humor, drinking and swearing.

Basically I’m a Puerto Rican Judd Apatow character.

(if he was y’know a little more diverse in his writing)

I struggle with anxiety and I learned that when I speak to people, I have to memorize a script so that I can avoid mumbling something incoherent. (Fun fact! I was a theater kid for most of my life but my decision to get tattoos and dye my hair often tanked it.) I started getting more in depth with researching things, reading deeper into some articles. I wrote down ideas and tried testing them out on this blog. I tried dressing better too; apparently t-shirt and jeans is not standard grown lady apparel. I did not receive that notice. Studies indicate that doing little things to improve one’s appearance can increase their confidence and outwardly influence people they meet and thusly line your pockets with money. (vicious cycle)

Now armed with this newfound knowledge, I send out my resume, cover letter and articles to various publications in the hope that one of these strange traits will land me something somewhat resembling an opportunity but I still feel fake. I work and tweak the details, polish myself up, sell sell sell. I curb my social media habits, especially if I’m using them to market myself. I can’t have my moody music posts deterring people from considering me. (we’ve all posted Coldplay songs, shut up) Even with all of this, I feel off.

There’s a nagging feeling at the back of my head. Something I keep missing and I know it.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer.

I didn’t list that as something I’m fully capable of doing.

me editing this mess

When I was employed full time, all I did was write on the side, the phantom ideas taking up my headspace while working on sheets, deadlines and deliveries. When I lost my job, I broke out all my notebooks, pouring over them, pulling them apart for deeper ideas and I started working on them. It felt much like looking through a yearbook when you’ve completely failed at everything. You want to find the place it went wrong and pick up from there, with fresh arms and legs to carry it.  I broke out a fresh notebook, Post It’s tucked into margins with plot points I had to remember and things I need to remember with world building. I started working on them all the time, hoping that maybe all the experience I’d collected would just pour out in the next great American novel because so far, my luck has been terrible. What’s the worst that could happen, really?

The one thing that’s kept me sane has been writing. My reading has declined substantially despite my growing book hoarding habits (thanks Strand!)  and article perusing while job hunting but my writing, my writing has continued. My last article for Vh-1, the controversial Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You May Be Christmas’ Greatest Song. Ever, landed me my first blockbuster article share (including a RT from Mariah’s team) and first brush with “U R A RETARD GO FUK URSELF MARIAH SUX” hate mail in the comments section. I’ve placed six with them and am trying to work on a full time reccurring segment of sorts but haven’t found the right hook as of yet. Truthfully, I haven’t been able to match that just yet; it’s the Thriller article of my young writing career. I’m working on Bad but fear that all anyone will ever want is Thriller. The fact is, I’m writing, so, that’s a good thing.

So.

Let’s recap.

I lost my job.

I worked a lot of other jobs.

I’m still looking for a job.

I will talk about work with you. Over drinks. Or not. Whatever.

Here’s what I do:

  1. I write
  2. I direct
  3. I produce
  4. I create
  5. I take pictures of random animals that I find in the street and fight the urge to bring them home with me because I’m unemployed and can’t afford that kind of lifestyle right now.
  6. I offer tech support in emerging technologies
  7. I tell dick joks
  8. I can manage YouTube, Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine accounts. With some bilingual flair.
  9. I am a strange brand indeed but you won’t be bored.
  10. I’m the invisiblecircus

Let’s see where it goes because I want to be a better me.

Ten Years, Ten Songs Part 1

Ten Years Later, These Pop Songs Still Get Us

 

Believe it or not, some of your favorite songs are turning ten years old this year. Take a minute to appreciate that. Celebrate these ten favorites by taking a trip down memory lane and showing off at your next Throwback Thursday karaoke party.

 

Rihanna- Pon De Replay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEauWw9ZGrA

It’s hard to believe we’ve been jamming to Rihanna for ten years. What’s also hard? Them abs.

 

Snoop Dogg ft Pharrell Williams – Drop it Like It’s Hot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtUVQei3nX4

Admit it, you still try to emulate Pharrell’s tongue click and hum this when using a microwave.

 

Gwen Stefani – Hollaback Girl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kgjkth6BRRY

Uh huh, holy s**t this song is ten years old. You still remember how to spell banana thanks to this song.

 

Ciara ft Missy Elliott- 1,2 Step

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBHNgV6_znU

This…track…is… ten years old are you feeling old yet? Still can’t skate dance either. Ciara’s hips are hypnotizing.

 

Fall Out Boy – Dance, Dance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6MOKXm8x50

The kings of guyliner, pop punk playfulness and those sweet sweet dance moves. Still don’t know what they’re saying after all these years.

 

Mariah Carey – We Belong Together

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0habxsuXW4g

Possibly one of Mariah’s most quotable love songs just behind “Always Be My Baby”, like MC herself has aged well.

 

Rob Thomas – Lonely No More

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7spBU4Yv8fE

The song that always seem to be on lite radio’s perpetual loop whenever you go to the doctor’s office, drug store or a ride with your aunt in her 05 Camry.

 

Game ft 50 Cent – Hate It or Love It

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuMBmK5uksg

Bringing New York and Los Angeles rap together, however briefly, over a classic Marvin Gaye melody, this song still manages to make you bop.

Kanye West ft Jamie Foxx – Gold Digger

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY

Eighteen years, eighteen years…

 

The Black Eyed Peas – My Humps

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEe_eraFWWs

Few songs have boggled the mind of music fans more than what exactly humps the BEPs were referring to, 10 years later scholars and scientists alike agree, nobody knows.

 

I’m @invisiblecircus on the Twitters. Let’s talk about the good ol days and telling kids to get off our digital lawns.

What I Learned in 2014

It’s already 2:30 in the morning on January 1, 2015.

I had days to put this together but chose when I am buzzed and oddly nostalgic to put this together.

in 2015 I will be 31 years old.

That’s odd to type, but that’s what it is.

I learned, back in 2014, that that’s what happens, you get old. you realize that things are happening and you’re aging and you can either get Botox or get with it. I got with it.

I accept it.

I learned that when you take a job with a company, you should do something about making sure you know your rights.

I learned that when you learn your rights, you should commit them to memory because that way, you won’t, no matter what, repeat the same naive thing. Sure, I had that job when I was 28 and didn’t know any better, I still should’ve exorcised some kind of adult type of discipline and looked into what I was walking into. So there’s your first tip: look into things, make sure you understand what’s happening because if you’re like me and you’ve spend your life working for barest minimum doing whatever you can to make sure you’re somewhat comfortable, you’re doing things wrong. You’re not reading fine prints, you’re not checking the labels and that’s where things get weird.

I learned that just because people are nice to you doesn’t mean they’re going to always be that way. Most of them are looking for things and reasons to build their own empires. They will build them on your back. Don’t curve your spine to make someone else’s empire stand tall.

I learned that I am not a cat.

I am a dark slippy thing and I shall slip around in the darkness.

I learned that I am actually a wolf.

A dragon.

A beast.

A hydra with the golden fleece on my shoulders.

I am a many headed, many limbed thing that breathes fire, born of blood and in the darkness that many fear to tread.

I am that thing that people post Facebook as a status.

That is my life.

I am a creature that breathes fire, drinks blood, lives in the darkness and basks in the promise of the light.

I am a conundrum.

A nightmare dressed like a daydream.

I learned that I like men and women.

I like them strong.

I like them brave.

I like one woman in particular who is still just out of my reach but still manages to consistently take my breath away and I will stand here completely still, immobile until she realizes that this is who I am and we are just what we are made to be; perfectly imperfect, disaster wearing matching t-shirts with fun choices in tattoos and a penchant for leaving hilarious dick jokes on people’s personal property. She knows who she is. She has my heart and she always will. Hell or high water.

I learned that I love a woman more than my very own life and that’s why I’m still here, trying to impress her.

I learned that I like to be surprised. Even if it’s in the stupidest ways.

I learned that I am still working on things that no one understand and that I am just fine with that.

I learned that whiskey makes me strong, vodka makes me laugh, tequila is strange and rum sneaks up on me.

All of them together make me a human muppet.

I learned that despite everything, the failures, the job loss, the confusion and lack of understanding with what it is I can do in this world, I am still a wolf. I was raised to be a wolf and if I was thrown to them, I came back leading a pack because that’s what resourceful people do.

I learned I am not resourceful.

I’m actually thrifty, crafty and a survivor.

I learned that my strange family is much more normal that I’ve given them credit for and someday, I’ll tell you all about it.

I’ve learned that every five year dalliance with suicide was prevented because of curiosity. I’m still here somehow and if you’re struggling with depression, it gets better. It’s manageable. It’s not perfect and every day is a strange new experience but imagine how much stranger it would be if you didn’t have them.

I learned that Taylor Swift isn’t as bad as she seems if you just listen to the lyrics and realize this girl did more with her afternoon than you have done with your entire summer and that’s why you’re mad at her. Take that aggression and make your own album that people will listen to.

Like Lana DelRey but with more personality.

Listen to people.

I learned that people will talk to a wallflower far faster than they will the social supernova.

I’m a wallflower.

I learned that in 2014.

I learned that I don’t want kids because I don’t want to give them a world that is terrible, cruel and cold. I don’t want them to have a mother who isn’t as cool as mine is.

I learned that I like TV. I like writing and I would like to be paid for it.

I write fan fiction.

Don’t look for it.

you won’t find it.

I ship people who despite everything are still people who shouldn’t be together because somehow I wish that’d TV luck would sprinkle on me.

I learned that even though I miss you, I don’t need you and you’re actually terrible and you’re a fuckface and honestly, you should probably get that checked out.

Sorry.

Was that a subtweet?

Do subtweets count in a long winded blog?

I learned that I look like a girl on TV that people fantasize but when I’m in front of them, they pretend they didn’t see me.

I learned that I collect tattoos because they are pieces of armor to keep me from being hurt, even though they rarely work.

I got a passport.

I got my drivers license.

I learned that I can go anywhere and that I want to just disappear.

I learned I’m too old for any program that will allow that to happen.

I learned that loyalty is only as good as the thing you’re working on.

I met some amazing people, we’ve gotten shitfaced, eaten at great diners and laughed at stupid things. We get along and I swear the high school me admires how brave I am for going outside after dark to drink with good people.

I learned that I like greasy breakfast food.

I learned that I’m a good cook and no one listens to me when I tell them how to make rice because they want me to make it to their exact specifications and giggle because I do it.

I learned that my talents aren’t wasted, they’re just being used for all the wrong things.

I learned that someone will want me for those talents.

Bonus points.

I learned that I could be a rapper but I don’t want whatever the fuck is happening to Iggy Azalea’s career also I’m terrible at rapping.

I learned that telling someone you love them is the most dangerous thing you can do. Telling them repeatedly is basically asking God to strike you dead. Defying God is basically yelling YOLO to the heavens. I do it regularly.

I realized that I spent too much time in 2013 worrying about everything that I was a mess in 2014 and I’m in 2015 wondering if I can make it better.

I realized that there are far more things in the world wrong that there are with me and that’s okay.

I learned that Kanye West put out the best albums of his career without anyone realizing and I hope that he understands that people like me understand people like him because he was smart enough to use his skills.

I learned that I am no a cat.

I am a wolf.

 

Scandal Premiere Live Watch

Sandy sunny beaches

a shameless shot of the upcoming book to movie Gone Girl

Olivia and Jake banging on the beach.

He’s all hairy and beard and I’m like….ayeeeeee

They’re making a dude deliver their shit like it’s Fresh Direct but for two people avoiding responsibilities the way we fantasize about that.

They’re in Zanzibar.

I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS REAL BUT IT’S REAL AND IT’S REAL.

Scandal is opening with an episode of Lost…its like AU Fanfiction gone wild.

OMG. Harrison was found. He’s dead and there go my dreams of handsome Harrison in suspenders.

They’re back, tan and rested in Washington, Jake promising they’re only here for a few days, in and out…like their sex session on the beach. Get It? SEX JOKE!

Olivia er Julia Baker is wandering the once former Pope offices which is a great stand in for creepy lofts and gardens.

OH FUCKING A IT’S QUINN.

She’s babbling about the red wine Olivia problem and the Fresh Delivery thing.

I WANT THE SHOW WHERE HUCK IS A GEEK SQUAD REP AT BEST BUY.

Grant is on the ill rage while whatsername is running the show. Ginger is running hard on this.

Mellie is in full blown college dropout mode. I LOVE HER.

Mellie is living la vida no fucks given in the worst fuck life pj set from Target.

HOLY FUCK IT’S PORTIA DE ROSI AND SHE’S GOT THE BIGGEST FUCKING LESBIAN HAIRCUT IT’S SO BIG AND FILLED WITH SECRETS.

Ok, So. Quinn in her all black long hair don’t care outfit is kinda doing something for me but fuck her cos she’s being a tit.

Abby has her reading glasses on, snapping away at Olivia because that’s what needs to be getting done.

All fights should be in the middle of Washington in full hearing of people who probably were like, the fuck these women fighting about? I love how Olivia did the epic hair spin.

Quinn, go home.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK: COME UP FOR AIR KIDS.

This show is amazing at getting characters to sound like human dictionaries, dropping lines like crazy.

DADDY POPE!!

Olivia knows wine the way we know mix tapes or movie lines. Terrible. I need more class.

Joe Morton is a miracle.

Fitz and Poppa Pope took out Momma Pope and you wonder why she’s so messed up…but you know he didn’t.

Cyrus is knew about the Olivia visit and he’s mad he wasn’t included in the ‘hey girl hey’ kiki party. He does’ want her anywhere NEAR the White House.

“Mellie is washing her hair.” I’m done. I’m done because I so much want to see if Mellie has a tumblr.

They’re having a deep discussion about the correct casket for Columbus Short’s career. I mean, Harrison.

Oh yes, mystery knocks and phones. Someone is needing not Olivia Pope’s help and as it turns out, someone’s dead. She sent an intern to do that.

Olivia has a job again, yay!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Here’s where we read all the hilarious Twitter commentary and wonder why none of us are in the same room at the same time.

Cy out here trying to buy people’s loyalty.

HOLY SHIT IT’S NAN FLANAGAN TRUBIES ENJOY!

Olivia ding dong ditched 911.

Huck being a super militant on his Best Buy Geek Squad policy. Olivia throwing the new iPhone 6 around…I am Randy the Smart Guy. She broke Huck, WHO IS GOING TO FIX HUCK?!

We’re in the cemetery with Mellie and Fitz. Mellie is wearing her favorite Uggs and big fluffy robe and I really just want to know what her Tumblr handle is.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Jake isn’t interested in talking about a dead old dude, he wants to talk about the sexing and the what nots.

She just monologued during the sex Jake was wanting. What a boner killing experience. I hope he’s got something he can fap to, blue balls can kill a man.

Jake is still rambling dirty pillow talk about riding and touching and now he’s gonna go check out Pornhub and finish Jake Time.

Ok so Seriously, QUINN I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW.

Cyrus needs someone to distract him, he’s so rumpled and sad and messy.

Oh of COURSE Fitz is asking for Olivia. Mellie is basically a character in Girl Interrupted but we’re just gonna pretend that they’re not going to be doing anything for the rest of the season.

The Senator Vaughn is fucking up her own SVU episode.

Olivia read the Senator and is gonna go update her FB status: BITCHES GOTSTA LEARN.

Quinn just said she’s finna go undercover and bust the creepy ring of creeps happening since she happens to look just like the girls who the dead Senator Sterling happened to be  a fan of.

Olivia asked the intern for  her phone, called Quinn, saw the intern called Vaughn and just like that, we have 15 minutes to solve the mystery of whether she’s going to stay in DC or not. SHIT.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

David and Abby putting their heads together about how she works for the Death Star while he’s being a creepy secret keeper. They both have weird code names: he’s Milhouse she’s Red. He has color coded files for how creepy people are. Guess what color Abby is. Red. CREEP.

Everyone is just reading everyone this episode. How does anyone remember their lines on this show.

Vaughn sold out brown eyed brown haired girls for his creepy sexual problems and Olivia wisely walks away, fresh out of fucks. That’s what you need. She’s at Harrison’s funeral and shockingly, no one else is there. Nope, here’s Quinn, all black errythang with Jake lurking in the back being weird.

OH cool, we get Harrison’s backstory over his coffin which is y’know how I like to talk about people, when they’re dead and can’t say nothing.

Nothing like a funeral to bring the family back together.

Sorry Columbus about your career n all. 

Oh good, Poppa Pope sitting there in a creepy car finding all the things out and driving off in the most not obvious car ever.

It looks a lot like you’re going to stay in DC for a little while longer Jolivia. Sorry.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Mellie is planning dramatic suicide jumps from the balcony.

I think she’s having a martini at 10 am. I want one and it’s 10pm.

Fitz why did you even say anything about Olivia being back? What is wrong with you you doofus? You and your messed up wife are just working out well with each other.

I’m really a fan of fuck you and this shit Mellie. She just told Fitz, that when he sees Olivia she’s going to be put on notice. She’s not about his sexy thing either. SHE JUST TOLD HIM SHE DOESNT EVEN WAX OR MAINTAIN THE BASEMENT. IT’S 1976 DOWN THERE. Mellie, let’s just be friends, let’s hate everyone together.

Jake is getting all fed up talking about dead people when he’s been trying to get his dick wet.

David was officially nominated as attorney general and Lizzie, er Portia, and her big hair aren’t happy about it at all.

Oh and Olivia is staying, she’s also going back to the office and getting her team back together because that’s what we’re here for.

Olivia is telling you to own that shit, you the real MVP.

She’s crossed paths with Fitz and of course it’s slowmo and they almost touch pinkies which as we all know, is the universal sign for, I WANNA TOUCH YOU N KISS YOU AND LOVE YOU.

They don’t.

And we’re in for a long season.

I Listened to “Trigga” Because You Didn’t Tell Me It Was Out

While Usher was sitting in a spin chair on The Voice, he left the lane wide open for other sexy men to infiltrate the musical bedrooms of young ladies. In that time we had Jason Derulo try to get us to “Talk Dirty” (curses, that sax hook is stuck in my head now) and never to be outdone Mr. Steal Your Girl, Trey Songz made us want to work out more with “Nana.” While Usher spends time reminding you why he is really that good, Trigga was released this week so he can bask in the juicy that is dirty sex and booze.

You didn’t tell me.

Now I’m going to listen to it.

Italics are lyrics.

Track 1 Cake

There are not enough songs about booty in the world.

Trap trap trap beats.

:30 I’m taken but I want you

: 48 You can’t have cake and eat it too

but aint that what you supposed to do? 

Cake’s on the menu. 

This song is about Cake. NOTHING ELSE. Trey obviously loves pastries.

Track 2 Foreign

We’re going on a sex adventure with Trey.

Colombia, France, Australia…

This is already better than Talk Dirty only because while naming it manages to convince you that other girls from other countries are hot, there is no sax loop to drive you insane and subsequently have your  parents dance. Passports are important.

You know I had to cop that foreign.

Track 3 Na Na

This song was designed to blow out speakers and probably backs.

I think I already did and I’m alone at home.

ayyeee.

Three tracks in and I think the goal is to have already gotten clothes off.

Track 4 Touchin, Lovin feat Nicki Minaj

Reunited with Nicki and the pre-chorus is a nod to R.Kelly/ Biggie’s Fuckin You Tonight.

The dirty old bitch that I am finds that endearing.

This is the ‘we’re in our underwear’ portion of the album.

IT IS ONLY TRACK 4.

2:40 Nicki bringing the fire, call 911. Lyrically, she’s just been impeccable since dropping that lame persona she picked up from Gaga.

Track 5 Disrespectful ft Mila J

Alright, we’re on a storytelling tip right now. Picture both of you cheating and neither of you caring about your significant other because HE’S WEARING YOUR MAN’S SLIPPERS BUT TRIGGA DON’T CARE.

ugh.

This song is terrible with how real it is because there are people who really don’t give two shits about the side piece wearing the main piece’s things.

Also real catchy.

Track 6 Dead Wrong feat Ty Dolla $ign

All of these songs about hoes and clubs being disrespectful. Who hurt you Trey?

But the hoes gonna do what they want

Trey’s done a fantastic job of know where his strengths are and the production so far has really been complimentary to that ‘pre club, pre game’ crowd. Features have been solid so far.

Also, this is the hickey portion of the sexing theoretically happening to this album.

Track 7 All We Do

Welcome to the creep part of the album. Elastic snaps, slow delivery high snap snares. This is basically a slow mo video.

1:20 All we do is fuck drink and sleep.

I’m clearly in the wrong line of work.

Actually shocked that the bestie Drake isn’t on this track, this literally all he talks about.

All we do is let the hook repeat too often tho.

Track 8 Foreign Remix feat Justin Bieber

I want to skip this so badly…

:30 Dominican Puerto Rican yea they do it for me. *justin beieber

I WANT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.

couldn’t do it. Gotta skip and the features were really good right until this happened. JESUS BE ANTI BACTERIAL GEL.

Track 9 Late Night feat Juicy J

Mike Will Made It production.

We’re telling time with more trap music and late night booty calls, which are the only ones anyone is interested in. If you’re calling for brunch sex, please ask elsewhere. Like the girlfriend you’re cheating on with the late night jump off.

At this point you’ve probably chilled a bit and are getting snacks but run back because Juicy J is on.

2:30 SHE RATCHET DIRTY DIANA. 

Juicy J has been incredible with the pop culture references. People have actually had to explain the Jeffery Dahmer line in Dark Horse.

Track 10 SmartPhones

Starts with the buzz from a phone on a flat surface that makes you look for your own phone to make sure it’s not the bae…because you’re out cheating remember?

This is the track that makes you remember that cheating and drinking is bad so you want to say sorry and you find the right words using a Trey Songz song vs a say…Robin Thicke. You also will leave the lyrics to this on a FB status.

1:45 So if she heard it all. I’m all out of love tonight. I could say it was a joke but who am I kidding she ain’t slow.

He’s giving me Usher circa “Confessions” feelings right now.

Now I’m gonna say whatever it takes.

time is not on our side cause she’s waving goodbye goodbye

Smartphones dumb shit

Track 11 Yes, No Maybe

We’ve hit the part of the album where all that Mr Steal Your Girl’ing has gotten you caught in the feels and she’s going out and doing all that Ms. Steal Your Man thing that hoes do.

This is the song that’s about the fact that fidelity is difficult and people let each other be hoes while they hope they can get it out of their system just so they can get married but we all know the old saying, can’t make a ho a housewife but good luck with that

Dragged on too long.

Track 12 Y.A.S

Slow piano over trap snare.

:49 Guess I got used to hearing whatever I wanted to hear

Guess I got used to feeling like you were supposed to give it here

She ain’t got nothing good to say so she ain’t saying nothin.

Lot of dudes not listening to their ladies.

Y.A.S is an acronym for You Aint Shit.

THIS IS GENIUS.

This is the dress down track because she’s found the dude that’s actually not Trey (it’s actually Usher) and he’s much better. The butthurt sincerity is real and the track has taken a hilarious dramatic piano jab and it’s bordering into R.Kelly storytelling theatrics.

Track 13 Change Your Mind

The cute pop track that gets buried at the bottom of these albums because you don’t want to be THAT soft dude but the lady has to know you cuddle and wear matching Snuggies while watching Netflix. It’s 90s pop snap that someone young would’ve done to break into the scene.

Change my mind Trey, g’head

 

Track 14 What’s Best For You

The break up song.

Always buried at the end of the album after all the hoe-ing is done. There’s a sincerity in his delivery that really makes him stand out vocally. Again, another vintage sounding track with well produced layering and approach that kinda makes up for all the drinking we just did.

In case you’re keeping score, this is the part where the making out has stopped and you’re kinda in that cuddle mode.

Track 15 Love Around The World

We’re back to finding all the girls we met in the “Foreign” track because the passport is missing and can’t get back to the bae without it so we have to treat this like the Hangover and retrace our steps with makin love with all the ladies in the cities we’ve been and dig around the couch cushions for that passport.

I’ve made LOoooooove all around the world.

Pitbull better watch his back…Mr. Steal Your Girl might be Mr. Worldwide.

Track 16 I Know (Can’t Get It Back)

Violins and synths…this should be good.

:20 I never had time for you

This is why you went on your international plow festival?!

1:00 I’ve been living my life in these clubs

but but…you made me change my mind!!

These hoes ain’t loyal.

The violin loop is just the most right now.

Track 17 Mr. Steal Your Girl

We’ve reached the sensual part of the album where now we’ve learned that he’s not going to get back with the other girl so here we are about to do some nekkid stuffs because let’s face it, all that’s why  pressed play on this album. KAY?

I’m glad we got to that point.

1:50 Let your man know that Mr. Steal Your Girl is back

I didn’t doubt it.

Overall, Trigga is one of those albums that you know Songz goes into the studio intending to deliver the goods…musically, boning is optional. It’s the album you listen to when you’re feeling a type of way (horny) and it may not hold up for overall listening a year from now simply because the material is almost a retread of his older work. Vocally he’s in his element and production wise he definitely succeeds in challenging the new school or urban r&b hierarchy since the seat seems to be vacated. A few tracks drag but they’re more for the DJs who will definitely use these tracks in the club…

I Listened to “Paula” Because You Didn’t Want To

A lot of things have been said about Robin Thicke lately.

They’re hilarious.

In the same way Macklemore makes people cringe, Robin Thicke seems to not quite fit into the world that they so obviously love. In Thicke’s case, he’s been boxed into a strange category that makes him too old for the Justin Timberlake crowd and too creepy for the neo-soul group. Both have managed to make everyone severely uncomfortable with how comfortable they are with totally repackaging and redistributing African American culture in safe white packaging. Perhaps it’s because “Blurred Lines” was the most overplayed, most over interpreted song of summer 2013, people have basically decided that they’ve given up on Robin and it seems like his estranged wife Paula Patton has done the same thing which brings us to the point of this; Robin Thicke’s latest Paula.

The apology tour started in May of 2014 where, clad in jeans and a t-shirt, the Bizarro Justin Timberlake took to the stage and sang his Remy Martin drunk heart out with the lead single “Get Her Back” Drunken tears in his eyes, he set out to well, get her back. It was a spectacle. Twitter erupted in a frenzy as we all asked the same thing: “What the hell is going on?!” It was almost too easy to make fun of him and because the internet is like that, they did and it was also hilarious. It seemed like he was a one hit wonder who was milking his fifteen minutes with a random sob story about his wife leaving him at the ‘height of his career’. Please don’t forget that he had two other hits from previous albums, so essentially he’s one of those guys who gets a great lead single but struggles to follow up so he’s pretty much like a boyfriend you have in your 20s who promises you some things but as they deliver they forget the other stuff.

It’s been tough being Robin Thicke.

Mostly because of the name but…

Let’s listen to Paula.

Italics are lyrics.

Track 1: You’re My Fantasy

This automatically gives ‘I listened to a Sade song with spanish guitars, lets go with that’ Touch me your my fantasy…He’s talking about reincarnation we were lovers in a previous life.

The hook Please x8 Touch me you’re my fantasy BRUH. WHERE IS YOUR CHILL. There’s way too much thirst on this track already and I kinda feel uncomfortable because he’s spent all this time whispered most of the hook into the mic really close and I can spell the Henny, er Remy Martin on his breath. Now he’s talking about hearing her giggle down the hall. Get a priest.

2:44 this song is already too many lyrics too long.

4:10 Can’t get too much of you I’ll never make it without you We’re connecting the early creep part with begging and audio from what sounds like a dinner party where I’m guessing he’s being weird and staring at Paula, uh, the woman who’s his fantasy while she’s busy doing other things…like avoiding him.

5:20 we’re repeating the hook, pre hook and extended musical break.

Track 2: Get Her Back

The bouncier track so far. He’s got Motown harmony on this and a loose guitar riff but again, he’s leaning too heavy into that mic again and the Remy is really distracting. He’s listing all the things he has to remind herself of, like when you go shopping and keep reminding yourself of the eggs milk and bread you need. I shouldn’t never raised my voice ?! Bruh.

It’s a stripped down list of things that he wants to do. Play you that song you and your girlfriends wanna sing sooooo someone else’s track right?

Track 3: Still Madly Crazy

He’s channeled John Legend for this song, raspy voiced and piano backing. It gives Lost Without You vibes…which oddly enough became a wedding anthem back in 2004. Im sorry you had to suffer my lack of control you’d think by now I would’ve grown. It sounds more like Paula errrr his fantasy put up with a lot of shit. I’m trying to find the pity.

Track 4: Lock The Door

We’ve got creepy choir going…we’re going to sex church apparently.

sha nah nah nah nah

He’s continuing raspy piano delivery and I think the knocking is actually John Legend asking dude to get the fuck off his piano.

I kept trying to tell you you kept pushing me too far

i kept trying to warning you you were slowly breaking my heart

Kept giving you all of me but you kept taking too much

I dunno what this is but this ain’t love.

The lady choir is playing Paula…ehhhhh….fantasy woman so the hook is basically an argument and he keeps knocking for her to let him in because…she’s locked the door.

3:12 Reenforced locked door.

3:30 still dragging on about her and the locked door, no porch lights..sure she even still lives there?

4:00 Open the doggie door throw a dog a juicy bone. 

Track 5 Whatever I Want

Group start of Awwwwwwwww into a bouncy guitar bass line that sounds kinda like what you’d expect at a creepy swinger party.

The Little Shop girls are back.

I can do whatever I want

(finally)

I can do whatever I want

(freedom)

Wait, you wanted back in the house the track before. What’s going on here?

2:20 the chant clap portion of our already still too long song

You usually list the things you are going to do since you can do whatever you want…like…find a producer who’ll craft songs for you a little neater than this stream of consciousness musical arrangement you’ve dedicated to your wife.

Track 6 Living In New York City

Trying too hard to be funky with a 70s soul bassline

:10 he just yelled black daddy.

:15 I said black daddy.

yeap. he did.

Me you NY why not?

Very Prince if Prince decided to be the front man for Morris Day and the Time and give them his weakest material because BLOUSES.

1:30 I said black daddy

This is the song you have in the background when you’re listening to Spotify while waiting for the DJ to show up so you shazaam it and you kinda double take because it wasn’t bad but you’re now embarrassed because of WHO it is.

2:44 I gotta testify. GOOD GAWD. 

Track 7: Love Can Grow Back

Brassy bluesy 4 am smokey Jazz club…alright we’re getting somewhere.

:22 You’re way too young to dance like that in front of man like me baby. 

and it’s awkward.

1:19 Show me our love can grow back with your new nails on my back. 

Robin built a time machine and is lusting mightily for Jessica Rabbit…I’m not mad I’m just saying that this was about Paula..but that’s none of my business…

Track 8 Black Tar Cloud

Probably the beatier meatier track on this already bloated album but the beat reminds of a far better produced Kanye beat.

:40 you tryna hit me with my favorite golf club

:55 You took 20 pills 

this is either the Tiger Woods story or the plot to some crazy Lifetime movie with Valerie Bertinelli.

This track actually manages to sonically be about a few different things at the same time which is what you need if you want album to hold up six minutes after it’s been released.

Track 9 Too Little Too Late

It’s 1997 in Robin’s head.

Way elastic beat that feels like it’s a demo for a boy band. The Ladies are back.

1:15 and I already want this song over.

2:00 listing the things he should’ve done again. feeding and pleasing being the top things.

Track 10 Tippy Toes

Another big bass track.

Dancing on her toes 

Dancing on her tippy tippy toes. 

I’m creeped out.

This is has to be a rejected track from Hairspray.

1:50 She can twerk but she’d rather dip bounce and bust.

2:00 This song is way too long

Track 11 Something Bad

I can smell the Remy…

:00 Theres something bad in me

THIS SONG HAS CORNY SYTHS RIFFS IN IT.

He’s going for the True Blood theme but it sounds like the music you play in a techno futuristic strip club where you pay them to put their clothes back on because the music is so terrible and you feel terrible.

1:40 little birdy flew in the window took a picture and flew out with a dirty tweet 

the buh buh buh baddd stutter…

THIS DIDN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN, THESE GIRLS DESERVE BETTER

Track 12 The Opposite of Me

We’re at a mid-tempo top 40 Lite FM song where we learn what she actually wants and it turns out, surprise, it’s not actually him.

All that she needs is a good man All she needs is another try All that she needs is something that I can’t give her.

All that she wants is the honesty

All that she wants is the opposite of me. 

All that she wants is someone that doesn’t hurt

All that she wants is the action not the words. 

2:00 I just rewarded her with my drunken rants.

Still too long.

This song is just like Blur’s She Fucking Hates Me. Go listen to that instead.

Track 13 Time of Your Life

Bryan Setzer called, he said please don’t try to bring big band swing back.

Michael Buble probably would’ve knocked this song out of the park because it’s Michael Buble and he’s adorable as hell.

1:22 This album is a fucking struggle to listen to.

Track 14 Forever Love

The second single from the album pretty much is trying to snatch the schmalz crown from the King John Legend. Again. raspy voice and piano.

:49 I’ll be there biggin you up. 

This has to be taken from the diary of a 15 year old.

This may be the most vulnerable track on the album. Considering how many confessional lines that were left in different parts of this incoherent album that may not be a good thing.

THANK GOD IT’S THE END.

This should’ve been a concept record where the label said YOU CANNOT BE A CREEP AND NAME IT AFTER YOUR WIFE or an EP where he just let it out there and saw what happened while privately working on fixing the whole thing, like a normal person. Make a mixtape, send it to the not bae and work on fixing yourself. It’s easy to blast him for releasing this album immediately after his latest because it’s not like the streets were clamoring for the follow up but it’s also a little heartbreaking to know that this is the best way to get attention for something that so obviously bothers him. This doesn’t seem like the first time the two of them have had a blow out, the previously mentioned “Lost Without You” was dedicated to her when they broke up the last time. The thing that’s interesting about this album is that it doesn’t seem to have an real producer attached to it to give it shape and mold it into an actual album worth listening to; it feels very much cobbled together from discarded tracks that didn’t make previous albums and iron was hot, so strike it.

I’m currently in the making friends again after being estranged part of my relationship and it is NOT EASY but we both had to walk away and evaluate things. Yes, there is bad poetry and poor choices (hair cuts and dye jobs) but those things are done privately where when you wake up you can say, “Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, I am NOT the right completion for blonde” and have not bae tell you they already knew that…and then you start talking.

There have been far more superior break up albums released this year, two from across the pond by Coldplay (Ghost Stories) and Sam Smith (In The Lonely Hour) that dive deep into the deep sea that is break up misery and probably dozens more that effectively convey that sense of loss this album is trying to capture. Paula seems like he just looked through some of his notebooks for some of the most cliche things to sing about while chugging all of the finest top shelf booze he had access too.

Everyone can do better.

The Five People You See in The Gym

It’s that time of year where we dust off the gym memberships we got at the beginning of the year because for some reason we forgot that summer typically calls for less clothing.

Morally obligated we trudge to the gym.

Here are some of the people you’ll meet while you’re there, sweating and suffering from your own success:

The Girl In The Stretchy Pants

She’s always on the Stair Master, GNC bottle in the compartment, white iPod headphones and a bright candy colored iPhone tucked into the pocket you didn’t know yoga pants came with. This one is constantly being stared at and you’re somewhat guilty of the same but it’s more out of being a gym newbie than envious of her physique. You can typically tell what her motivation is and you’re not in a particular space to judge but it’s like, c’mon, what’s the point of going to the gym if you’re just going to do that and not really do anything except text someone and casually glance up at the flat screens showing daytime talk shows on mute. You’re not being judgey but you know her Instagram feed is made up of selfies, hookah and some random shots of her living her beautiful life. Oh and the hashtags. SO. Many. HASHTAGS.

Her spirit animal:  Anyone wearing yoga pants

Playlist:

Beyonce- Partition

Iggy Azalea – Work

Rihanna – Pour It Up

Katy Perry ft Juicy J – Dark Horse

Jennifer Lopez ft French Montana – I Luh Ya Papi

The New Workout Plan

They’re a little heavier than they meant to be, a little slower and maybe saggier but goddamnit, they’re doing it, they’re really doing it. Walking a negative two miles an hour, they’re sweating and gripping the sides of that treadmill with their old school headphones on and super loud music but they don’t care. They’re retired, they’re trying to get off that heart medication and feel a little better about themselves. You’ve got to admire them because they’re going to outlive you since they managed to keep up with going to the gym while you made up at least four good reasons why you couldn’t go to the gym but had five good reasons to hit that open bar without a second thought.

Their spirit animal: The Little Engine That Could

Playlist:

Marc Anthony: Vivir Mi Vida

Theme from Rocky

Katy Perry- Roar (That song by the nice girl who talks about roaring)

Dj Khaled- All I Do Is Win

C+C Music Factory – Boriqua Anthem

The Gym Goon

They don’t move for anyone. They don’t understand excuse me and grunt when you push past them anyway to get the ten pound weights you’re pretty sure you’re going to regret picking up. They’ve got the extra large water bottle filled with something that looks like clam chowder. They’re staring intently at their reflection, pumping away and making the sounds you make when you’re trying to get between your couch and the plug without moving the couch too much. They then sweat everywhere, pat themselves on the back and leave all the way to heavy to move by a normal person weights scattered around like Lego pieces designed to cripple you before you can even start your workout.

Spirit Animal: Vintage Arnold

White Zombie- Super Beast

Kanye West – Stronger

AC/DC – Thunderstruck

Puff Daddy ft Busta Rhymes – Victory

Eminem ft Nate Dogg – Til I Collapse

The Lothorio

He strolls in wearing tight Addias pants, polo shirts and the thinnest looking shoes ever. He’s probably got on noise canceling Beats headphones or white iPod headphones and it’s blasting bachata. Yes. Soft latin music is blaring out of his ears while he picks up the heaviest looking weights on the rack, stands like he’s being drawn like one of Jack’s French girls and proceeds to lift them as though he’s making love to himself. If he’s not in a heartbreak hotel mood, he’s listening to dembow, which is also loud. For some reason, he’s come with a pack of friends. They’re all barrel chested and not in the way that says, “we’re the bastions of fitness” it’s in that “we spent money at the hookah bar and bought bottles because we can.” They pick fights in the strangest places. They are not the most interesting people in the world, just interesting to look at. Kinda like a car wreck.

Spirit Animal: Romeo Santos or Omega el Fuerte

Romeo ft Drake – Odio

Monchi y Alejandra – Dos Locos

Shakira ft  El Cata – Loca

Omega el Fuerte – Mambo Electrico

Maffio – No Tengo Dinero

The Success Story

That would be you because despite all of those hilarious stereotypes, here you are, three times a week, tired and maybe a little disheartened but dedicated. Sure, you’re not where you want to be just yet and maybe you keep forgetting to update your fitness app tracker with your progress but you’re starting to eat better and see a difference and that’s what counts. Each of these weirdos can offer some kind of inspiration for you as you get onto that treadmill, start that elliptical, ride the bike or lift five pound weights. We’re living longer than ever and we have to look good in the bodies we’re stuck with. So listen to your music, walk your walk, strut in there with your Lulemon pants, fresh Nike sneakers, brand new water bottle and work your ass off.

Ignore them. We’re all there for our own reasons. Keep up with it.

BONUS