Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Fans rejoice! Principal photography has wrapped on Episode VII and the great minds behind one of the biggest franchises in the world unveiled the title to the next installment in the series.

 

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens.

 

Wait.

 

What?

 

When we last saw our heroes, they were celebrating on Endor with the Ewoks (formerly cannibalistic teddy bears, seriously, they tried to eat Han Solo) Luke saw his father, Yoda and Obi Wan because he’d had too much punch and the saga seemed over. The good guys won, the Empire fell and everyone got turned up in the foreset.

 

Maybe that’s what they’re waking up from?

 

Can you imagine a Hangover style Star Wars movie?

 

EXT. DAY – FOREST OF ENDOR

We see the lush forest of ENDOR. Ewoks are tuckered out everywhere, the dying embers of their massive fires smoldering in the early daylight. One of them farts because even in a galaxy far far away farts are funny.

 

We see LUKE SKYWALKER doubled over, throwing up, HAN and LEIA nowhere to be seen.

 

He straightens up, avoiding stepping on their hosts as he walks around the forest floor, puzzled and queezy. He looks up at the sky, where the debris of the DEATH STAR looms.

 

Helluva night.

 

He hears HAN yelling for CHEWIE. He stumbles down the rickety steps from the treehouse, his shirt opened and pants falling down his knees.

 

HAN

Kid! You seen Chewie?

 

LUKE

(looking around)

Nope.

 

HAN

(fixing his clothes)

Oh man, CHEWIE! What the hell happened last night? These little hairballs can seriously party.

 

LUKE

Well, we did give them freedom from the Empire so…Where’s Leia?

 

HAN

(ignoring the question)

We have to find him.

 

LUKE

I’m sure he’s fine.

 

HAN

(Finally looking at Luke)

What happened to your face?

 

LUKE

What do you mean what happened to my face?

 

 

 

Naturally, the whole thing would de-evolve into a madcap quest around the galaxy to find a very drunk Chewbacca and Threepio stumbling around singing very vulgar Wookie bar songs while carrying Artoo like a mechanical keg. Maybe Lando Calrissian can be the Leslie Chow of it all.

 

We can all dream can’t we?

 

I’ll even recast everyone. Why not.

 

Episode VII opens December 2015

Scandal Premiere Live Watch

Sandy sunny beaches

a shameless shot of the upcoming book to movie Gone Girl

Olivia and Jake banging on the beach.

He’s all hairy and beard and I’m like….ayeeeeee

They’re making a dude deliver their shit like it’s Fresh Direct but for two people avoiding responsibilities the way we fantasize about that.

They’re in Zanzibar.

I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS REAL BUT IT’S REAL AND IT’S REAL.

Scandal is opening with an episode of Lost…its like AU Fanfiction gone wild.

OMG. Harrison was found. He’s dead and there go my dreams of handsome Harrison in suspenders.

They’re back, tan and rested in Washington, Jake promising they’re only here for a few days, in and out…like their sex session on the beach. Get It? SEX JOKE!

Olivia er Julia Baker is wandering the once former Pope offices which is a great stand in for creepy lofts and gardens.

OH FUCKING A IT’S QUINN.

She’s babbling about the red wine Olivia problem and the Fresh Delivery thing.

I WANT THE SHOW WHERE HUCK IS A GEEK SQUAD REP AT BEST BUY.

Grant is on the ill rage while whatsername is running the show. Ginger is running hard on this.

Mellie is in full blown college dropout mode. I LOVE HER.

Mellie is living la vida no fucks given in the worst fuck life pj set from Target.

HOLY FUCK IT’S PORTIA DE ROSI AND SHE’S GOT THE BIGGEST FUCKING LESBIAN HAIRCUT IT’S SO BIG AND FILLED WITH SECRETS.

Ok, So. Quinn in her all black long hair don’t care outfit is kinda doing something for me but fuck her cos she’s being a tit.

Abby has her reading glasses on, snapping away at Olivia because that’s what needs to be getting done.

All fights should be in the middle of Washington in full hearing of people who probably were like, the fuck these women fighting about? I love how Olivia did the epic hair spin.

Quinn, go home.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK: COME UP FOR AIR KIDS.

This show is amazing at getting characters to sound like human dictionaries, dropping lines like crazy.

DADDY POPE!!

Olivia knows wine the way we know mix tapes or movie lines. Terrible. I need more class.

Joe Morton is a miracle.

Fitz and Poppa Pope took out Momma Pope and you wonder why she’s so messed up…but you know he didn’t.

Cyrus is knew about the Olivia visit and he’s mad he wasn’t included in the ‘hey girl hey’ kiki party. He does’ want her anywhere NEAR the White House.

“Mellie is washing her hair.” I’m done. I’m done because I so much want to see if Mellie has a tumblr.

They’re having a deep discussion about the correct casket for Columbus Short’s career. I mean, Harrison.

Oh yes, mystery knocks and phones. Someone is needing not Olivia Pope’s help and as it turns out, someone’s dead. She sent an intern to do that.

Olivia has a job again, yay!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Here’s where we read all the hilarious Twitter commentary and wonder why none of us are in the same room at the same time.

Cy out here trying to buy people’s loyalty.

HOLY SHIT IT’S NAN FLANAGAN TRUBIES ENJOY!

Olivia ding dong ditched 911.

Huck being a super militant on his Best Buy Geek Squad policy. Olivia throwing the new iPhone 6 around…I am Randy the Smart Guy. She broke Huck, WHO IS GOING TO FIX HUCK?!

We’re in the cemetery with Mellie and Fitz. Mellie is wearing her favorite Uggs and big fluffy robe and I really just want to know what her Tumblr handle is.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Jake isn’t interested in talking about a dead old dude, he wants to talk about the sexing and the what nots.

She just monologued during the sex Jake was wanting. What a boner killing experience. I hope he’s got something he can fap to, blue balls can kill a man.

Jake is still rambling dirty pillow talk about riding and touching and now he’s gonna go check out Pornhub and finish Jake Time.

Ok so Seriously, QUINN I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW.

Cyrus needs someone to distract him, he’s so rumpled and sad and messy.

Oh of COURSE Fitz is asking for Olivia. Mellie is basically a character in Girl Interrupted but we’re just gonna pretend that they’re not going to be doing anything for the rest of the season.

The Senator Vaughn is fucking up her own SVU episode.

Olivia read the Senator and is gonna go update her FB status: BITCHES GOTSTA LEARN.

Quinn just said she’s finna go undercover and bust the creepy ring of creeps happening since she happens to look just like the girls who the dead Senator Sterling happened to be  a fan of.

Olivia asked the intern for  her phone, called Quinn, saw the intern called Vaughn and just like that, we have 15 minutes to solve the mystery of whether she’s going to stay in DC or not. SHIT.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

David and Abby putting their heads together about how she works for the Death Star while he’s being a creepy secret keeper. They both have weird code names: he’s Milhouse she’s Red. He has color coded files for how creepy people are. Guess what color Abby is. Red. CREEP.

Everyone is just reading everyone this episode. How does anyone remember their lines on this show.

Vaughn sold out brown eyed brown haired girls for his creepy sexual problems and Olivia wisely walks away, fresh out of fucks. That’s what you need. She’s at Harrison’s funeral and shockingly, no one else is there. Nope, here’s Quinn, all black errythang with Jake lurking in the back being weird.

OH cool, we get Harrison’s backstory over his coffin which is y’know how I like to talk about people, when they’re dead and can’t say nothing.

Nothing like a funeral to bring the family back together.

Sorry Columbus about your career n all. 

Oh good, Poppa Pope sitting there in a creepy car finding all the things out and driving off in the most not obvious car ever.

It looks a lot like you’re going to stay in DC for a little while longer Jolivia. Sorry.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Mellie is planning dramatic suicide jumps from the balcony.

I think she’s having a martini at 10 am. I want one and it’s 10pm.

Fitz why did you even say anything about Olivia being back? What is wrong with you you doofus? You and your messed up wife are just working out well with each other.

I’m really a fan of fuck you and this shit Mellie. She just told Fitz, that when he sees Olivia she’s going to be put on notice. She’s not about his sexy thing either. SHE JUST TOLD HIM SHE DOESNT EVEN WAX OR MAINTAIN THE BASEMENT. IT’S 1976 DOWN THERE. Mellie, let’s just be friends, let’s hate everyone together.

Jake is getting all fed up talking about dead people when he’s been trying to get his dick wet.

David was officially nominated as attorney general and Lizzie, er Portia, and her big hair aren’t happy about it at all.

Oh and Olivia is staying, she’s also going back to the office and getting her team back together because that’s what we’re here for.

Olivia is telling you to own that shit, you the real MVP.

She’s crossed paths with Fitz and of course it’s slowmo and they almost touch pinkies which as we all know, is the universal sign for, I WANNA TOUCH YOU N KISS YOU AND LOVE YOU.

They don’t.

And we’re in for a long season.